Perspective

Do you ever have those "Woe is me" days?  I have to confess, I do.  The other day we were at a family event with JoLynne's family.  It was a dinner at her sister's house and then we were going to look at some family pictures.  Since my cancer and all the associated surgeries and radiation my ability to eat is not so good.  To start with I am completely numb on the right side of my face from my lower eyelid to my neck.  So, I can't really feel even if my lips are touching.  The end effect is that I put food in my mouth and it doesn't always stay there too well.  Often it drips down my face and I am totally unaware due to the numbness.  Drinking is especially hard since I can't feel my lips touching the glass.

Also, I have a lot of scarring so I can only open my mouth just a very little bit.  I can barely fit my smallest finger in my mouth.  That is my maximum opening.  So eating is a very slow process.  I have to cut up the food into super small bites so that it will fit.  My tongue doesn't work too good to guide the food around so I have to use my fork to guide the food to where my teeth come together.

Well all of this doesn't make eating very fun, especially in public settings.  I feel like a spectacle when I eat.  I don't know if you have noticed but so much of our social interactions revolve around eating.  This makes my life challenging at times.

Flora Zella McCarther and JoLynne's mother

So, back to our family dinner.  I was struggling through the meal, as I always do.  I was feeling sorry for myself, wishing I could be more normal and feeling self conscious.  Well I finally finished the meal and we went downstairs to look at family pictures.  I wasn't feeling very happy.  The first picture up was my wife's grandmother.  She was afflicted with terrible rheumatoid arthritis.  In the picture she was shriveled up with that terrible disease sitting in a homemade wheelchair.  Really just a kitchen chair with small wheels screwed to the legs.  My sister in law proceeded to talk about how she lived like that for 14 years,  unable to walk or even feed herself.  They would lift her into the chair in the morning, feed her and set her on the porch to wait until people came in from the fields at lunch time.  They would feed her again and leave her on the porch again while they went back out to the fields.  And that is how it was for her day after day for 14 years until she finally passed away.

The next slide was of an uncle.  He was stricken with stomach cancer that moved into his bones.  He was a veteran so they took him up the VA to be cared for.  He couldn't move without his bones breaking so he lay in bed for three years unable to move.  Every few hours they would restrain him with a second mattress and flip it over to try and prevent so many bed sores.  JoLynne's dad, who was watching the slides with us talked about going up to visit this uncle and what a positive attitude he had despite
his disease.  In his words, "You could never visit with him without going away feeling uplifted"

By that point I began to see how foolish I had been.  Here I am complaining because I eat slow and drip a little and yet I can walk and run and feed myself and work at my profession.  Sometimes I just need a little reality check.  That night was a pretty good reality check for me.

My independence day

Today people across the United States are celebrating independence day, recognizing this country gaining their independence from Great Britain.  In addition to that, today is my own celebration of independence,   Today marks one year free from cancer!

On July 2nd 2013 I finished my last SBRT treatment at Mayo and we returned home on the third of July.  That memory stands so clearly in my mind.

A year and 2 weeks ago my cancer had returned.  I had three tumors, about 4 cm each, growing right next to vital anatomical structures.  After looking at my images my surgeon at Mayo told us that I was "inoperable" and that there was no hope for recovery.  I asked him if he had other patients as serious as me and what they had done.  He told me that he had others as bad off as me and that they had tried all sorts of things including holistic and conventional therapies and that he had never seen anyone at this point survive.  He is a world class surgeon, these were terrible words to hear.  JoLynne and I took a long sad walk by the river there in Rochester.  It was overcast with a slow rain.  That was a very hard day!  Despite  his words we thought that perhaps God still had a plan for me that included my recovery.  Even driving to the airport in Minnesota after that unpleasant visit I remember telling JoLynne, "I just think that there is something more that we haven't heard yet"

I remember at Church a day or so later.  A dear friend of mine, my former Stake President, came up and asked to know what was going on.  I told him what we had been told.  He listened patiently and when I finished he said "That's perfect".  I was so startled at his response and asked him how he could possibly feel that way.  This was his response "It's perfect because men have done all that they can to cure you, now when you are healed you will give the credit to God."  My friend is an wonderful, unusual person.

Well a day or two passed and we had another call from Mayo, this time from Dr. Foote, inviting us to return and attempt a cure using SBRT.  He told me that at that point they had 9 months of data using this treatment against osteosarcoma and so far the results were promising.  We chose to return and undergo the treatment.  Today marks one year since that treatment completed.  Every three months since that time I have had PET/CT scans carefully looking for cancer and so far I am free, NO CANCER!

It has been a hard year in many ways, the pain from radiation burns has been challenging.  I spent at least 9 months of the last year using dental anesthetic to control the pain.  I have had set backs and challenges but here I am.  As of now, my pain is very manageable, I am able to work full time, my energy is good.  I even ran four miles the other day.  My legs were sore and I laughed all day whenever I felt my sore legs.  There was a time when four miles wasn't even a warm up run for me.  At the same time, I am so grateful that I can run.  I even order new running shoes the other day off of eBay.  (They don't sell my favorite shoes in the store anymore).

True to my friends words, I was healed and I gladly give the credit to God.  I live a life redeemed.  My life was at the edge and God chose to pull me back and to allow me to remain.  How does one live a life redeemed?  I think about that every single day.  Every morning I ask God to lead me to someone whose life I can bless, whose burdens I can lighten.  I want to show God my appreciation through the way that I live my life.  I can honestly say that nearly every day that prayer is answered and that makes me happy.

As that anniversary approached I sent my dear friend, Dr. Foote, an email expressing my feelings.  His response back was very sweet, perhaps I will share that.

Dear Dr. Foote,
I send you my warmest greetings from Utah.  I am approaching a one year anniversary of being cancer free.  This is a major milestone for me.  I feel that my Life was spared by my Heavenly Father but I see your hand as well.  Thank you for your role in this miracle.
I am not sure if  you are aware that near the end of June, last year,  when my cancer had returned, we went out to meet with Dr. Moore again to see what could be done.  He was not optimistic.  In his words, "If I operate on you again there would be nothing left of you.  You would have no life at all."  "Don't spend any more on medicine, go on a cruise or something".  When I asked him if he had other patients who were in as dire circumstances as I was and he said he had several.  I asked him if any had survived and he told me "No".  That was a somber week for JoLynne and I.  My former stake president and a dear friend sought me out on Sunday wanting to know what was going on.  I explained what we had been told by Dr. Moore.  My former stake president is an amazing man.  He listened attentively and when I had finished he said "That is just perfect!"  I couldn't understand why he would say that.  Then he said "Men have done all that they can, now God can save your life and you will give the credit to Him"  How I love that prophetic man.
As I celebrate a sweet one year anniversary I want you to know that I do give the credit to God and I thank you for being his hands in my miracle.
Sincerely,
Eric Vogel
===============================================================

Bro. Vogel,
Thanks for sharing this with me.  It really means a lot to me.  I would like to believe that my thoughts were inspired and directed by the Holy Ghost as I pondered and prayed about how we might be able to help you.  The glory and honor certainly belong to our Father in Heaven.  It is humbling to be a tool or a servant through which He accomplishes His purposes.
I am grateful that our Father brought us together for a brief season during our sojourn on earth!
God bless you!
Rob

Well, for those of you in the United States I hope that you enjoy your celebration of independence day.  For all of us, irregardless of where we live, we can each live a life redeemed.  In my case my physical life was spared but for all of us, our lives have been redeemed spiritually through the atonement of Jesus Christ.  If we accept him as our Savior we will be spiritually saved.  This is far more profound than being physically saved.  The consequences will stretch thoughout the eternities.  How will one live a life redeemed?  That is a question worth asking.

Quick update

Not to leave people hanging, I thought I should give a quick update.

So, Monday I was discharged from the hospital.  They took out my chemo port that I have been toting around in my chest for the last 2.5 years in case it was the source of my infection.  I'm glad to have it gone.  Maybe this marks an end of an era.  No port=no more cancer.  It seems like a reasonable thing to hope for.  They put in a pic line to give me IV antibiotics for two weeks.  Now I have a really fashionable fanny pack and a kind of high tech pump to put in it.  Almost like being on Star Trek.

I was still pretty weak coming home but every day was better than the one before.  Thursday we had an open house for our son Jarom and his sweet fiancé (now wife) in our back yard.  We had so many neighbors and friends who pitched in to make that happen.  It still amazes me how good the people around us are.  We are so blessed.  It was a truly lovely evening.

Friday I went in for my follow up with the infectious disease doctor.  Everything looked good.  I was still having pretty bad headaches so I asked him about that.  He is a really nice Russian doctor.  He said "Dr Vogel, this condition is often lethal, so I think that headaches are not so bad, eh?"  (I don't know how to write that with a Russian accent so you will have to use your imagination)  Frankly the headaches are now pretty much gone and I am very grateful.

Friday we traveled to Boise for Jarom's wedding.  That happened on Saturday morning.  In the temple I looked at Jarom, Natalie, JoLynne and all my endowed children except Peter who is in Spain.  There was such a sense of peace.  Everything in the world seemed as it should be.  I am so grateful to still be here to be a part of such events.

Sunday we drove home and got to sleep in our own beds.  So good to be home.  I am continuing to improve.  Sunday I thought, "You know, I'm not really hurting that much, maybe I will skip my usual tylenol and motion dose."  So, I did.  I have been taking Tylenol and Motrin every 8 hours for the last 11 months.   Ever since my high dose radiation therapy.   I don't like to think about how many of those I have swallowed.  So, I haven't taken any since Sunday, Amazing!  Today I went back to work and had a pretty good day.

All in all, I am doing very well.  Thank you for all your faith and prayers.

Time shares

Well. I haven't blogged here for a long time. I have been too busy being well to sit down and write much. It has been good to feel good again

Unfortunately this last week I have taken another turn in the road. Monday I had an unpleasant meeting at work and came home with a splitting headache.  I just figured it was from the meeting. Tuesday it wasn't much better. My head hurt and I just didn't feel good.  At one point I laid down in my office on the floor and closed my eyes for a few minutes.  Right then my receptionist, Lori, came in and gasped. I think she thought I had fainted or died and fallen to the floor. At least that was a bright moment

By noon I could see I wasn't well enough to work so I went home and had patients changed. I still felt pretty rotten so we got an appointment with an ENT friend of mine. He cultured my sinuses, recommended an oral antibiotic and took a tissue biopsy of an area of my mouth that looks weird

I came home still feeling pretty rotten. Basically every time I sat down I fell asleep. I tried taking the medicine but everything I swallowed I threw up again. Tuesday in the middle of the night I started shaking so bad I thought my teeth would fall out. I couldn't stop. JoLynne woke the boys and was going to have them carry me to the car and take me to the hospital. I threw up again and the shaking seemed to subside so we stayed home

Wednesday I called my oncologist and he suggested coming to the clinic where they could do the antibiotics and fluids IV.  That sounded good so we went. They did some blood work and rehydrated me and I felt a bit better. I was still sleeping all the time. My temperature went up to 104 so that had us worried a bit. Thursday we went for fluids again and more antibiotics. I was finally starting to feel somewhat better. My neck was really sore and I was weak but walking. Friday they called and told me that blood work was back and I had two positive cultures for staph infection in the blood and that I needed to be in the hospital. Also the ENT called and said that the tissue sampled had areas of comcern for cancer.

Home sweet home

We checked in Friday. I told JoLynne as we were pullng up that if I had known how much time I was going to spend here I would have looked into a time share option. She thought that there were better places for a time share

The doctors were very thorough. The infection control doctor seemed especially knowledgable.  I'm glad that they found this. Unchecked it could have gone bad really fast. As it is I will be here on really powerful antibiotics until Monday. If I am responding well then I will go home with an IV pump and continue for another two weeks. They were worried it had damaged my heart. If that were true I would be on the sntibiotics for months IV instead of weeks. The tests showed my heart was fine

We are still waiting for Mayo to read the biopsy slides. I can't worry about that now. It will be whatever it is.  I asked my doctor this morning, dr Wallentine, if he ever just thought "will this guy either get better or die once and for all". He sweetly said "I only ever think the first one Eric"

So, here I sit in this overpriced hotel working on getting better.  We have a wedding the end of this week a granddaughter coming to be tended, bike rides and sandbox time and somewhere in there I need to build a rocket ship (Vivian's request). I had better hurry and get better

Preliminary design on "the rocket"

Survivor

On Saturday I was asked to be the keynote speaker at an oral cancer awareness event.  You should probably know that April is oral cancer awareness month.  It was an honor to be asked to speak.  Most of those in attendance were dental students and their families.  I hope that I impressed upon them the importance of carefully screening their patients for oral cancer and testing anything that looks suspicious if it doesn't resolve within two weeks.  In my case early detection by my wife and a wonderful oral surgeon who decided to take a CT scan instead of wait and watch probably saved my life.  I will always be grateful.

Facts that you may not know.  Almost all forms of cancer have improved in their survival rates over the past 30 years, but not oral cancer.  Currently the survival rate for oral cancer remains at about 60%, the same as it was 30 years ago.

When oral cancer is detected early it has a 90% survival rate

When oral cancer is detected late it has a 20% survival rate.

Oral cancer rates are climbing at an alarming rate.  This is primarily due to the HPV virus, (human papilloma virus.)  These rates are climbing especially among young people and are directly linked to sexual behaviors.

As dentists we can do a better job at finding cancers early and testing all suspicious lesions.

TEARS OF GRATITUDE

Is it just me or has this been a really long week?…

As mentioned before, Monday I had my scans, Wednesday we received the report from Utah Valley radiologists stating their belief that I had metastatic cancer in my skull and soft tissue.  We sent off images to Mayo and waited and waited.  Finally I went to Utah Valley to see if they had really sent the images.  They said that they had but they were sent via normal mail so, not expected in Minnesota before Monday.  So we waited, and worried and waited and worried.

Inside my head is this battle.  A battle with faith and trust on one side and fear and despair on the other side.  I'm trying to imagine what would be left of me if they operated on me and removed the base of my skull.  I'm wondering if I have enough strength left in me to go through something like that.  I'm wondering if JoLynne will be able to survive on what we have saved up.  I'm trying to figure out if it is worth moving to some other part of the world and trust my life to some experimental drug study that has not yet saved anyone.  

And yet on the other hand I hear my son Peter write in his later home, "Last time, before you told me, I just felt like something horrible was going on. This time I just feel kind of peaceful! It will all be alright, but we have to do our part! God will work another miracle for you if we have the faith and do all that we can!"  And I think of the many blessings that I have been given.  I think of JoLynne going to the temple and receiving the assurance of "by grace you will be saved after all that you can do"

So I fight back and forth, an emotional roller coaster.  By Wednesday we still had no word.  My dear friend Deb, who comes to my office has been so sweet.  She helps us with our supplies at my office.  She is a cancer survivor.  She stopped to see how I was doing.  By then I was exhausted from all of the emotions.  I told her "I've simply decided that I can't worry my head off over this any more or I won't have a head anymore.  That would solve the cancer thing though."

Late Wednesday I had a text from Dr. Foote, our dear friend and radiation oncologist at Mayo stating that he had just gotten the images and was sending them in to be read.  He was leaving for San Diego but promised that he would tell me as soon as he knew something.

At 1:45 am I got up and thought "who knows maybe he sent something."  Sure enough, there was an email from Dr. Foote.  Basically his email states that the radiologist can't see anything suggesting recurrent cancer and he  suggested another scan in 3 months.  He then forwarded the report from the radiologist.  It was completely different from what was said by the radiologists here.  So I sat on the couch crying tears of gratitude.  By God's grace my life has been spared again.  I thought about waking JoLynne but decided that then she would just sit up all night crying too.  So I waited until 6:00 am to tell her. Then we had a good cry together.

I had a hard time falling asleep after my 1:45 email.  When I finally did fall asleep I dreamt that JoLynne had told me "Eric, if you are going to stick around then we are going to have fresh strawberries every day."  She had me rip up our kitchen floor and plant strawberries all over in the kitchen.  I know, weird dream.

Well, back at the start of this whole thing we had a blessing stating that I would live to see grandchildren and great grandchildren.  So, now I'm thinking about a porch with rockers.  Got to have somewhere to sit while we are watching all the kids playing on the lawn.

By the way, thank you of for all the prayers on my behalf.  I believe in the power of prayers!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Kind of worried….

Well, another PET/CT scan is back.  I am learning to hate these things.  So far we have the radiologist report from Utah Valley but not from Mayo yet.  I expect to hear back from them on Monday or Tuesday.

To be honest, the results were not what we were hoping for.  First I should explain what a PET scan is. Basically they have you fast then you come in and they inject you with radioactive glucose and then have you drink something that I think is radioactive as well.  Then you lay in a dim room for a while while your body uptakes the radioactive glucose then you lay on a table for about 2 hours while these scanners look to see where the glucose went.   The idea is that cancer is a glucose pig and so more uptake is more likely to be cancer.

Well, the PET scan showed increased uptake along my right skull base compared to last time.  This might mean that I have cancer in the skull base.  That was the conclusion that the radiologists came to.  In their words, "Likely metastatic disease around the skull base and soft tissue on right side"  Having said that, the CT scan didn't show any changes.  I can personally think of alternate explanations for increased glucose uptake.

We met with our oncologist yesterday, Dr. Wallentine.  He is a fine man and I have a lot of respect for him.  We are all worried, of course, but he wasn't anxious to jump to conclusions yet.  He felt the same as we do, basically, let's wait and see what they think at Mayo before we jump to conclusions.

So, here we sit, worried and prayerful that other doctors will read the images differently.  I know that tomorrow is fast Sunday for most of you.  I would hope that you might mention my name to Heavenly Father while you are fasting.  We are grateful for the prayers and faith of anyone who feels so inclined.

I wish we had better news.