Four down, one to go!

Pretty photogenic right?

I just completed my fourth treatment.  Mostly I feel pretty good.  My jaw feels stiff and bruised, my taste buds are gone again and some sores are starting but really not too bad.  Way better than I have felt with previous treatments!  I walked four blocks home from my appointment today.  They say the effects will be worse next week but frankly, so far, this is nothing compared to what I have been through.

This is a High tech machine!

We went to a local ward for church yesterday.  People were so nice.  Everyone introducing themselves and asking about us.  I met a former student of mine who is now studying here.  Someone invited us to a fourth of July party and then said, "If you have to come back again, you are welcome to stay with our family in our basement.  We have room and you could save some money."  I had barely met these people not 5 minutes before.  Isn't the gospel an amazing phenomenon?  I wish all people were so kind to one another.  The world would be an amazing place.

Yesterday after church we drove to Wisconsin to look at the Mississippi.  There is a park bench down there that we happened upon about 18 months ago that we believe had a message from God to us.   We have looked but  have never been able to find again.  (See blog from 10/9/2011)  Anyway, this time we managed to find it.  The writing on the bench was faded but still legible.   It says;

"It's okay to have bad day's, hold on, be strong"

Still good advice 18 months later.

This blog started out as a way to keep people who were worried up to date about my treatments.  I hope that it has served that purpose well.  Like many things it has grown into something somewhat unexpected.  Unless you leave a comment I don't really know who is looking at this blog.  I can, however, see maps of where it is being looked at.  It is something that I don't fully comprehend.  Most of the views are from the United States, that isn't surprising.  What does surprise me  is the number of people who are following from countries all over the world.  From what I see I am approaching nearly 70,000 views.  Many of those viewing are from Russia, Canada,  Latvia, China, Germany, Spain, Denmark etc...  I have traveled to many of your countries providing humanitarian service as a dentist.  Perhaps some of you are following for that reason.  Perhaps some of you are people I have never met.  For whatever reason, I am happy to have you follow along.  I hope that my experiences have in some way helped you to meet your own challenges in life.  The prevailing message that I hope my blog conveys is to live with hope.  For me that hope largely comes from my faith in God and from the faith and love of others who surround me.

The shag carpet car.  

Some day it will be my time to leave this life.  I don't know when that time will be.  I plan to enjoy every day that I am allowed here and to make a difference for good in the world.  When my time comes to leave this life I will leave it with hope as well for a world even better than this one and an assurance that my separation from those I love is only temporary.  I have no doubt in my mind that such will be the case!  I don't know the challenges you each face but I hope and pray that you can find courage and peace as you face those challenges.  Look in your heart, I think you will find that you don't have to face them alone.

Okay, here is the random thing we saw on Saturday.  We made a wrong turn and came upon the most lovely car I have seen in a while.  I'm not sure why someone would do this but it is unique.  The car is completely covered in shag carpet and then has a few bones glued on to make it extra special.  The question is:  Would you wash your car or vacuum it?

Thankful

Just a little bump, probably the onion rings

So, it has been a busy week.  I have felt great and as a result I have been able to work more.  In addition we have had a series of social events.  Friday we had an open hours for the office to let everyone see our remodel and wish them a merry Christmas.  Last night was the Stake Christmas open house and today is our family Christmas party.  It just seems like I have been "running".  It is so nice to feel better and able to do more.  At our office open house I was not very good and shook hands with lots of people.  That got me in trouble with my guardian angel (JoLynne).  My friend, Rella Christensen, a pHd microbiologist who has been looking out for me is going to give me a scolding too.  So last night JoLynne and I made a bet that I couldn't go the whole night without shaking someones hand.  We usually bet a kiss or something so I always win either way but there is the moral victory of course.  Anyway, I won the bet last night and went the whole night without shaking a single persons hand.  The real prize was having JoLynne be happy and not worried.  When we got home from the party neither of us had eaten much.  I just can't figure out how to get food in my mouth with a mask on.  So, it was 9:30 pm and we hadn't really had dinner.  JoLynne said, "so, what do you want to eat?"  I was kind of embarrassed but I told her I was really in the mood for onion rings.  She just started laughing, "You are so pregnant!" she said.  For years I always offered to have the next baby.  I always thought it was a safe offer.  Little did I know.  I'm not showing yet by the way. (okay, maybe a little)

I have always appreciated having good health.  As a matter of fact I always made a point of telling Heavenly Father how much I appreciated my health in hopes that He wouldn't feel the need to take it from me.  Well, that trick doesn't work.  This week, feeling better, has truly made me appreciate how good it feels to feel good.  I'm not looking forward to the next round of chemo starting Wednesday, but it helps to know that after a few dark days that I will have days when I feel well.

We are leaving for Mayo Clinic on Monday.  We have appointments all day Tuesday and then we will be flying home Tuesday night.  I am excited.  One of my appointments is with physical therapy.  They have some electrical methods of accelerating nerve recovery.  They call it "facial animation."  Usually that is what happens to my face when JoLynne walks in the room.

I love visiting with cancer survivors.  Some dear friends came to the open house.  I remember feeling my heart go out to my friend while his wife suffered through cancer.  On Friday I looked at her with her beautiful hair and a smile that spoke volumes about her courage.  I have to admit I ran my fingers through her hair just for the joy of seeing her so normal.  It makes me think, "I am going to get there."

I have been so grateful for countless acts of kindness.  I could never name all the people who have reached out to us with helping hands. This last week, a friend came by while I was taking care of patients.  We have been friends for many years.  He somehow knows my situation better than some.  Anyway, he was so kind and caring.  He offered some help that was deeply meaningful to me.  I couldn't stop crying after he left.  I think I cried for two hours.  He isn't alone of course.  Every time I turn around someone is lifting and helping.  I've notice that since my diagnosis I never have anything in my inbox at the stake center.  Last night I confronted the other counselor and said "Why is there never anything in my inbox anymore?"  He just smiled and said, "Eric, we are going to get through this thing together"  People are so good and I am so grateful.

Still kicking

It has been a while since I last sat down to chronicle my journey through cancer.  Partially it's because I am lazy, but mostly it has been the difficulty of the last two weeks.  Chemotherapy has been a lot more harsh than I expected.  For the 14 days following chemotherapy my energy and well being steadily declined until I hit the bottom last Wednesday.    That's not to say that I didn't have times when I felt better.  For three or four days I felt well enough to go to work in the morning but then I would come home and crash.  Twice I felt bad enough that I had to go to the clinic and have fluids and medications given.  Wednesday morning I woke up and had no energy.  Just walking to the bathroom would exhaust me.  My ear was swollen near the surgery site and I had a fever.  We have two thermometers so my temperature was either 100.8 or 101.4, depends on which thermometer we believed.   We called the nurse and she sent us to the Emergency room.  It was a long day.  They drew blood, took urine, took x-rays etc.  Finally they came in and the ER doctor sat by my bed and said, "Your white blood count is in the toilet.  You have no white blood cells left except a few we found in your urine and you have an infection.  We are going to have to admit you to the hospital."  I was barely conscious and not liking what I was hearing.  They started me on IV antibiotics through my port and pushed fluids by the oncologists orders.  After a couple of hours they came back and had decided that because my son-in-law is a nurse they would let me go home if I wanted.  Heck, I wasn't anxious to stay in the hospital.  That's were you get really bad infections.  We were glad to be discharged.  The nurse came in to take out the needle in my port.  She kind of woke me up and said, "You are going to feel a tug as I pull this out".  Just as she said that this voice went off in my head.  "Don't let her pull it without flushing the port and heparin!"  I woke up just in time and asked her about the flush and heparin.  Her countenance just dropped.  "I can't believe I almost forgot that".  She left the room to get what she needed to do it right.  A port is like a little plastic box in my chest that connects directly to my major blood vessels that enter my heart.  If you don't rinse it you can end up with infections in them, very nasty. The heparin keeps the box from filling up with clotted blood, again a very nasty  and dangerous problem.  I was so grateful that I was protected.  The nurse really felt bad and I told her, don't worry, the important thing is that we remembered.  I'm glad for that prompting.

The next day was Thanksgiving.  I was going to write a blog about so many things I was thankful for but I just couldn't get up enough energy.  I told JoLynne, I feel like I have a great engine and one teaspoon of gas.  Every time I would get up I would have to lay back down and get my teaspoon back again.  I did feel well enough to sit at the table with everyone for about half an hour which was nice.  From that point on my energy has been returning.  Everyday I have felt better than the day before, more energy, less tired, less pain.  Somedays, I feel almost normal.

Yesterday my hair started falling out in earnest.  Every time I would run my hands through my hair my hands would come out full of hair.  I didn't expect this to bother me so much as a man but it really did.  For the last few days I kept having nightmares of my hair all being on my pillow in the morning or something like that.  I told JoLynne that I was going to pray that I woke up with all my hair gone and that she had a 3 inch pony tail.  She laughed and didn't think God would allow that miracle.  Well, I finally got tired of watching it fall out slowly and we decided to cut it all off last night.  Mike, my son-in-law, wanted to cut his hair as well, which I kept telling him was unnecessary but he insisted.  We got Seth online via Skype so that he could watch the festivities through the computer.  First Mike cut off my hair than I cut his.  Then Spencer popped up and said he wanted his off as well.    Spencer's hair is amazing,  thick and soft and so full.  Kind of a shame to cut it but he insisted.  So three heads got bald that night.  Several men in the high priests quorum have offered to cut their hair as well.  Gee, it's going to be cold winter for all of us.  Today, Seth sent an email from China.  He went to the barber the next day and had his hair cut as well.  We didn't go all the way bald since I worry about cutting myself with a razor while on chemo so it's just really short.  I went in to shower and looked at myself in the mirror after the hair cut.  I decided that  I look like one of the pictures of the Jews in the concentration camps.  Mostly bald and so pale and emaciated due to the chemo.  Lucky for the rest of the world that I wear clothes.  Trust me, it isn't pretty.

Sampson before Delilah

What I was getting every time I touched my hair

Not quite as bald as Bishop but I am working on it

Bald is beautiful

Even in China

Ready for a miracle

Just arrived at the hotel in Rochester. Surgery is at 6:00 am tomorrow. I feel calm, yet another blessing.

Most of our sweet children traveled to the airport to see us off. Boy, I'm going to miss those kids for the next two weeks.

Thank you everyone for your prayers. I have had so many expressions of love and concern. They make me cry, but the good kind of crying. I am so grateful to be surrounded by such good, wonderful people.

I plan on sleeping tomorrow. I am going to be fine. Please remember my wife and children in your prayers. I worry about them.

Shanelle has promised to post updates to this blog. I think if I were to post anything the next few days it might be a little too entertaining. Thank you again. I appreciate you.

A much better day.

It is amazing how different the world can appear after a good nights rest. It certainly doesn't hurt that we started the day in the temple. Almost any day begun at the temple will be better than most. As we were leaving the temple JoLynne mentioned that she had put the names of the surgeons who will be operating on me on the prayer role of the temple. Why don't I think of things like that? Cute JoLynne just smiled and said, "Those surgeons are going to have the best week ever and they won't even know why".

Sometimes miracles are so small they would be easy to overlook. For example, today in the temple we were seated quite a ways back in the chapel. Far enough that we wondered if we would get into the next session or not. For some reason the temple worker came way back to where we were seated and asked JoLynne and I to be the witness couple. It was a small thing but it felt like a simple way for Heavenly Father to say He was thinking about us and aware of our burdens.

Later I had some time to work putting the garden to bed for the season. It will be a little while before I will have the strength to run a roto-tiller again. Later this evening we were able to go to a dinner for my niece who was just married. She looked amazing and seemed so happy with her new husband. Life goes on. It was nice to see my family. When we came home we sat down and watched Peter Pan with our children and just laughed together. I will miss them for the next two weeks.

I forgot to mention that last night, just about dinner time, I had a call from our health insurance. I thought it might be something wonderful, like them telling us they were going to pay for my treatment, instead it was somebody calling to conduct a "10 minute customer satisfaction survey regarding my health insurance" In my mind I thought, "You have got to be kidding!". I didn't really know what to say so finally I just said "You know, I was just diagnosed with cancer and am scheduled for surgery on Monday. I don't think this is a very good time". After a startled pause he said, "How about I take your name off the survey list permanently?"..... I think I may have to use this same line the next time someone comes to the door selling something.

"I believe, help thou my unbelief"

Today was a harder day. It was great to be at work but emotional too. It is hard to look at my patients and know that I won't see them for a while. Many of them were tearful which made me tear up too. It doesn't take much these days. One sweet patient offered to help JoLynne and I fly back an forth with her frequent flyer miles, two of my friends who are dentists came up and offered to help with anything I needed. I am surrounded by wonderful people.

Early in the day I received several letters from doctors at Mayo written to our insurance company to help us in our petition for coverage out of network. I know the letters were trying to paint a worst case scenario so that insurance will pay but it is hard to read things like "high possibility of morbidity or permanent loss of function" or "High probability that this case will require postoperative chemotherapy and radiation". It may be true but I don't like thinking about it. Later the lead surgeon who will be operating on me called to talk about my pathology report. It is frustrating to us all that we don't have clear pathology. He felt very strongly that we need to operate now because of the size and location of the tumor. Sometimes they will use chemo first on osteosarcoma but he felt that we just can't take that risk. When I asked him what we will do if the final pathology shows it to be a high grade sarcoma he said "If it's a high grade tumor then we will give you four courses of chemotherapy over the next year and radiation too if we can't get clear borders." Then he told me an unpleasant story about a case last year involving a sarcoma. Yuck, I don't like hearing stories like that. Telling my office staff goodbye was hard as well. They are more than employees, they are my friends. I had some other scary emails too which I quick deleted so JoLynne wouldn't see them. By the time my friend who is covering my patients came in to talk I wasn't doing so great. I felt bad that he had to sit there and watch me cry. It was just a lot to deal with in one day.

By the time I got home I felt emotionally drained. My sweet JoLynne was gone but she got home about 15 minutes later. Somehow she always know the right thing to do. She just held me in her arms for several minutes. I don't understand it, but somehow that seems to shield me from my problems. I can understand why our children always wanted her to hold them.

I know that we are doing the right thing and that Heavenly Father has helped us every step of the way but it's still scary and it's hard not to think about "what if's". I feel like the father in the new testament who wanted his child healed by the Savior. When asked if he believed he said "I believe, help thou my unbelief." I wish my faith were stronger.

Since this whole thing began I have had a thousand thoughts running through my mind. On hard days they move so quickly that I can't even process them. There has been one thought that has come back over and over. Right after I heard from the oral surgeons that something was wrong I was driving home from BYU and having an avalanche of thoughts and emotions. At that point I didn't even know it was cancer but that thought had certainly crossed my mind. In the middle of that storm of thoughts the words came into my mind, "Be still, my son, and know that I am God" At the time I thought, "what kind of reassurance it that? That doesn't promise me anything." But for some reason those are the words have come back into my mind over and over. I just need to "be still" and watch God's hand direct what happens. I believe that, I just need a little help on my unbelief.

Up, Up and Away...

IT IS SO NICE TO BE HOME! Even if it is only for a few days.

Our last day at Mayo was spent mostly in running around from doctor to doctor trying to gather letters to help us convince our insurance that they should pay something on this surgery. The doctors were all willing however some of them wanted to wait for the biopsy so that they could speak more to the point. We went up to visit with the people in the business office about our bill. JoLynne had moved funds around various ways until we had nothing owed on our credit cards. We then maxed out all three credit cards and paid a part of what we will owe on Monday. When we get home we will pay off the cards and then max them out again on Monday. Hey, we might as well get some frequent flyer miles out of this, right? We left for the airport with plenty of time to spare so we detoured out to some small towns along the way. The weather was overcast and the colors breathtaking. Sometimes I wonder if you look through new eyes after you have had a life threatening experience. I feel like I am looking through new eyes. The flight home was uneventful. The tumor is pressing on my inner ear so it is very hard to equalize the pressure when the plane goes up and down but I made it through. We finally arrived in Salt Lake around 11:00. Shanelle and Mike were kind enough to meet us. We arrived home at 12:30. The kids were all asleep. We hugged and kissed them anyway. Funny Spencer, when I went down to kiss him his eyes popped wide open and he threw his arms around me and hugged me and hugged me, telling me how much he had missed me. In the morning he didn't remember any of it but I do.

Today I was back to work. It was so nice to be back treating patients again. I love being a dentist. I have to admit I was feeling more compassion as I poked my patients with needles. Part way through the day my surgeon from Mayo called to tell me that pathology was finally back. The pathology team simply couldn't put a name on the tumor, so they gave it a descriptive name, "Fibrous, mixoid tumor" and then stated that they didn't feel they could give a full diagnosis until the full tumor was resected. However, they conjectured that it was probably a low grade osteosarcoma. Sometimes osteosarcomas are treated with chemotherapy first to try and shrink the size so I asked the surgeon how he felt. He said that because the tumor was so large and because we aren't even sure if it is an osteosarcoma, he thought it would be too risky to try chemo first. In his words "If it grows much more you will be inoperable. We can't take that risk" So, I guess surgery is on for Monday.

I only worked a half day then JoLynne and I went to meet with a ENT oncologist in Salt Lake. He is very well respected here and abroad. I told him that I needed someone to follow up with me after my surgery and that we were going to be treated out of network so I needed a letter stating that I would have a better chance of success at a bigger facility. After reviewing the CT scan he agreed completely. He felt that Mayo was probably my best choice and said he was glad to write a letter to that effect and also to take care of me after. That was another blessing. One day at a time. I can't help but think that if God is going to take care of all these little things, He will surely take care of big things like surgery. I am a little nervous but I trust my Heavenly Father.

Super powers...YES!

Well, it was a busy day yesterday. So busy I had no time to post a blog. Pretty much we ran from doctor to doctor all day. I think perhaps it is better to simply run from doctors. Funny I should say that. I wonder how many have thought that when they saw my name on their calendar. Anyway, the coolest thing today was that they filled my veins with radioactive isotopes. The syringe was really big and I shouldn't have looked but I did on accident. I really wish I had taken a picture but that would have been awkward. I asked the guy if I was going to get any super powers or anything. The people in Minnesota are super nice but they are kind of stoic. He just looked at me and said, "My guess is that you'll just grow another toe or something" Dang it! I'm still hoping for something better. He's just a technician, I'm pretty sure he doesn't know about all this stuff. I'm just going to spend most of my time thinking about how I am going to hide my secret identity from JoLynne. I think I will hide my suit under the bed. She never looks there.

The reports from our biopsy were still not back on Tuesday. That was bad. The good news is that when the doctor called them they said that they were having a hard time putting a name on the tumor but it seemed "benign like" but that they weren't willing to call it benign yet. That is a miracle and an answer to prayers. Almost nobody has said the "b word" till now. We like the sound of it. It wouldn't alter the surgery but would greatly improve the chances of not spreading and might keep me from having to have radiation afterwards. It's too early to know all of that but it is something nice to hope for. Everything is a go for surgery on Monday. We plan on traveling home Wednesday night and spending a few days with our kids. I am hoping to get two days of work in there and a doctors visit or so. (It's amazing how addictive those can become). We will fly back out on Sunday and be here two weeks. We are planning to return home on October 31, just in time for Halloween. Were pretty sure that this year I am dressing as Frankenstein and JoLynne is going to be bride of Frankenstein. Our neighbor suggested Beauty and the Beast. I guess that would work too.

I can say, without hesitation, that every day we have seen miracles. Tuesday was certainly no exception. While we looked at the MRI with the doctors, we were so grateful that the tumor had not entered key structures. It could have easily encircled my carotid arteries, that would have been fatal. It came close but between my carotids and the tumor there is a beautiful little layer of fat, a perfect surgical border (JoLynne says I have no fat, now I have proof). It could have grown up the foreman oval, a small tube leading to my brain. It came close but it didn't. As we looked at the MRI we could see a wonderful border all around the tumor. That makes us very happy and we feel SO blessed!

We had no idea how much this was all going to cost. That has been a big worry. Our insurance still hasn't agreed to pay anything. (we are working on that). Mayo wants a check for the whole amount before surgery starts. Yesterday they handed us the estimate and it was much less than we expected. We called our financial advisor to see what money we could get to quickly. He told us that he could liquidate our IRA's almost immediately without penalty because of the medical emergency and when he told us how much that would give us it was almost exactly the amount that Mayo had just told us that we would need a check for. I'm sorry but I just don't think that is a coincidence. Heavenly Father has been so good to us.

If by chance you should see someone swinging through the air on thin strands of silk (maybe dental floss) on Halloween don't be surprised. An extra toe, Bahh, don't these guys have any imagination!

No biopsy but....

Well, today was a busy day. Lots of doctors. Unfortunately the biopsy results were not back yet. They promise they will be back tomorrow. Apparently, on these weird ones they like to have multiple pathologists read the slides to avoid errors. We did however have the MRI. The good news was that the tumor had not grown too much, at least not that we could tell. It was more extensive than I knew about. It wraps over the top of the mandible and around the back as well. It is close to important structures but not in them yet. There is a chance it could have followed the nerve pathways up into my brain but it hasn't. It also could have invaded my carotid arteries and it is close but no invasion. So, that was good news. The doctors are concerned however about how close it is to everything so they felt it was best to go ahead and schedule the surgery. Because of the situation they moved us up on the schedule to October 17th, or a week from today. The two lead surgeons will be Dr. Eric Moore (I like his first name) and Dr. Arce. They may need to bring in a neurosurgeon as well if the base of the skull has to be removed. As of right now the plan is to remove the upright part of my mandible on the right along with the salivary glands and some of the deep bones of the skull. Many of the muscles on that side will also have to be removed. They tell me that they can rebuild me using one of my leg bones and that I will look great. That is a little hard to believe since I don't look that great right now. Oh well, modern medicine is amazing. They promise me that I should be able to run again if I am patient and I am the patient so that means I will run. Probably about 7-10 days in the hospital and then home. Chemo and radiation might still happen, it depends on the cancer type.

I sat and listened to all that and I should be scared spitless, (especially since they are taking my saliva glands) but I am surprisingly calm. It's hard to understand. Either I am crazy (likely) or all those prayers and fasting are really working. I just feel like I am going to be okay. And, as JoLynne pointed out, I am going to have the best halloween costume ever this year!

Graffiti from Heaven

Today was a wonderful Sunday. We went to church with Dr.Robert Foote. Dr. Foote is the head of radiation oncology here at Mayo clinic and seems to be connected to me in more ways than you would expect. When I was first diagnosed I contacted a friend of mine who is a recently retired oncologist and he told me that his best friend was in charge of oncology at Mayo clinic. Within less than an hour we were given Dr. Foote's email address and within three hours of my sending him an email he had called me back and told me that he was already consulting with others about my case and "When can you travel?" Later I found out that Weldon Whipple had known him well when he lived here and had served in the church with him. Dr. Allen, who Marie Smith works for is close friends with him and called him up to tell him that I was coming and to take good care of me. Then just before we left my sister Shauna called up to tell me that the cardiologist she works with is Dr. Foote's brother in law. He is also the Stake President here in Rochester. In my mind I'm thinking "Okay, enough already, we will go." Anyway, yesterday I sent him another email telling him that I would like to meet him in person to thank him since I believe he has been coordinating my care behind the scenes. He replied back and invited us to church with him and told me that he had changed my doctors visits on Monday so that he would be attending to me personally. It was nice to finally meet him. He seems like a fine man.

After Church JoLynne and I decided to drive down to La Crosse. One of the nurses had suggested that the drive was beautiful and that it would be fun to look at the Locks on the Mississippi river. She was right, the drive was spectacular. In La Crosse we found a park along the river to go walking. JoLynne suggested that we sit on a bench that looked out over the river. We walked up and to our surprise found that the bench we had chosen had graffiti on it. (the only graffiti in the park by the way) The message seemed a little more than appropriate to my present situation. I turned to JoLynne and asked "Does that look like God's handwriting to you?" Either He is being less subtle in my life now or I am paying a lot better attention. Maybe both.

Tomorrow will be an important day for us. We expect that they will have the biopsy back so that they can finally tell us exactly what we are fighting. They will also have the MRI back which will tell us how much the tumor has grown and how complex the surgery will be. I know that God is in charge but I am a bit nervous. I keep thinking of the scripture that says "I believe, help thou my unbelief". I just need to remember how much divine attention we have had thus far. God is in charge! I believe my ward and others fasted for me today. Thank you for your faith and prayers. I love and appreciate you.

"To infinity and beyond"

Not much medical news today. We had the day off from that kind of stuff. JoLynne and I took advantage of ourtime and drove up to the Temple. We were a little late for the endowment session so we did sealings instead. It was wonderful. As I knelt at the alter and looked at our reflection stretching out forever I thought "You know, each image in the mirrors is like a panel in my life. My present problem seems enormous right now but with time it will just be another panel in a long life leading me back to my Heavenly Father." It was grateful to be able to step back for a moment and see things in better perspective. I also liked the fact that as far as I could see, JoLynne and I were together in all the reflections. I feel pretty blessed.

Call me "Pokeman"

Another busy day at Mayo. Every time I turn around someone wants to stick something sharp in my body. Oh well. This morning I went in for an MRI. The nurse told me "lucky you, your'e scheduled for a double session". I had never had an MRI before, it was interesting. Basically they squeezed my head into a soft kind of vice then pulled a metal cage over my head and then slid me into a very small, noisy tube for about an hour and a half. I wondered if it would make me claustrophobic but it didn't really. They told me to stay awake and not to swallow. Of course as soon as they say, "don't swallow" all I can think about is swallowing. As it turned out there were brief moments when they allowed me to swallow. They just wanted me to hold my head really still to get the best possible images. Staying awake wasn't too easy either. Basically whenever I am horizontal I always go to sleep.

We were really hopeful that we would be able to get in for a biopsy today. The earliest appointment that they could find was on Tuesday because it had to be done in a CT scanner by a nuero-radiologist. Anyway, we called as soon as they opened and they told us what we had already been told, "we're already fully booked" but the lady was very nice. She told JoLynne, "Let me go talk to the doctor and see if he would be willing to stay longer and do one more procedure. A few minutes later she called back and and said that the surgeon was happy to stay longer for us. Yeah! Who would think I would be so happy to have someone drill a hole in the side of my head. We just really felt like the sooner we had a biopsy the more meaningful our discussions would become. The results should be back on Monday we hope.

They had to do a IV for the MRI. Right after that I was scheduled to have more blood work. (I still can't figure out why they want more blood every day) I suggested to the technician that he leave the needle in for them to draw blood. He just laughed and said "Phlebotomists are evil people, they always want to stick you with their own needle". He was right.

At 10:00 we ran over to get the biopsy. Everyone was super nice and it hurt less than I expected. It is really strange, after the biopsy my face feels different. Suddenly my mouth moves more freely side to side and I feel less pressure in my ear. I wonder if there" was a lot of fluid pressure built up in the tumor that was released when they drilled into it. We went out to eat at an Italian place after and I was still numb and not feeling much. Suddenly JoLynne noticed that I had blood running down the side of my face and filling my ear. She made me trade places at the table so that the waitress wouldn't have to see the grossness. Lucky for me I was eating pasta with a red sauce. They probably just thought I was a lousy shot with my fork and stuck pasta sauce in my ear.

This Sunday is fast Sunday. JoLynne said "Do you think we should fast?" I told her, "sure, why not, with all these procedures I have fasted like five times this week. I'm kind of getting used to it." Shanelle told me "no way dad, it's not fast Sunday for you, it's Fat Sunday" She is convinced I need to gain weight before surgery.

We did lots of reading today about mandibular reconstruction using a fibula bone from the leg. Our neighbor wondered if that would result in my running off at the mouth. He is probably right. It sounds like fibula reconstruction is the gold standard. One paper related that one transplant patient had run a marathon after the procedure. Maybe I will be number two.

No procedures for the next two days (weekend you know), I think my arms will appreciate being needle free.

D&C 112:10

Frequently when we were kids we would go exploring caves with candles as our only light source. I don't know if we did it because we thought it would be cool or because we didn't own a flashlight. Either is possible. Anyway, candles don't illuminate very far. Mostly you can just see what is immediately around you and a little more. I guess that is how I feel about my life right now. It seems that God illuminates my path just far enough to keep me from tripping but not far enough for me to see the whole path. I would really like to know if there is a bear or a drop off ahead but I just can't see that far. Maybe he does it for my sake, knowing that it is better for me to only have to look a little ways and not become overwhelmed with challenges yet to be faced. Like it or not, I am learning about living by faith. I am grateful that in the small illuminated area I continue to see God's hand quietly leading us along.

Last night we arrived at our hotel at 2:30 in the morning. We had an appointment at 6:30 am at Mayo clinic. Not a lot of time to sleep. Because of a sweet Stake President from years ago JoLynne and I always read our scriptures before going to bed, even if it is just a few verses. (Thank you President Cole). Last night we were exhausted, so I just randomly opened the scriptures on my iPhone and it opened to D&C 112:10. It says, "Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers" We both lay in bed and cried.

This morning we got registered at the hospital then had more blood drawn. (My arms are beginning to look like I may have a substance abuse problem.) We then met with an oncologist. She was very nice and when we talked about why we were traveling for treatment she said "That is a no brainer. When you have a cancer this rare you need to be in a large facility" We next met with a Dr Arce. He is a dentist/oral maxillofacial surgeon/MD who completed a fellowship in oncology. He was very helpful. I felt like he was looking at me as a whole patient, not just at my tumor. We talked a lot about reconstruction and what would last the longest so that I wouldn't have to go through surgery again in that area. He felt that the best way to rebuild my jaw was to use one of my leg bones, the fibula. I told him that I loved to run and he said that they could remove just the middle part of it and that, with time and patience, I would be able to run again. Apparently, the fibula must not be crucial to walking and running. Near the end of the appointment his head resident surgeon came in and introduced himself. He is from Utah and plans to return there this next year. That brought us a lot of comfort to know that one of the surgeons who operated on me would be moving back to Utah and would be able to take care of me if I have post surgical complications. When we got back to our apartment we had several calls from other surgical friends who helped us to lay some of our other fears to rest. We feel like little by little, things are falling into place.

Tomorrow they will be doing an MRI to map out my nerves and vessels in the surgical area. As the surgeon said "that little spot has a lot of real estate on it" Then more blood work (of course). We are scheduled for a biopsy on Tuesday but we are going to try and get in tomorrow if someone cancels. If not, were sure that things will work out as they should. It has been a good day. We are hopeful.

I wish I could just skip to the end and read the "happily ever after" part but I guess I will have to be content with my candle for now.

Kindness, kindness everywhere kindness

Sometimes out of bad things comes good. God seems to work that way. I think that we all know that we have friends all around us. I am finding that, when faced with a serious challenge, just how sweet people are. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have multiple expressions of love given to me. I awoke the other morning to find my door decorated with balloons and messages of encouragement. Anonymous, of course. On Friday, at my son Jarom's request, we went running. Over the years I would have to say that running hasn't been his favorite pastime. That morning we ran 4.4 miles. It was great. While running Jarom told me that as soon as I was better he would run a half marathon with me. Later in the day Shanelle and Mike came by with a gift certificate offering to run a marathon with me. Wow, getting better is going to be more work than I expected.

Conference has been wonderful. Why is it that it takes something like this to make me really listen? So many of the talks seem to have been written just for me. What a gift to hear God's voice through his servants.

We leave for Mayo this coming Wednesday and will be gone until the following Wednesday. Kind of like a vacation I'm guessing. I am anxious to have a full workup. The pain has come back and now seems to be pressing into my ear. I am ready to move forward and be healed. I see the Lord's hand every day in my life and I am so grateful that I know I won't walk this path alone.

Do you want some "Mayo" on that?

Well, today we scheduled a consult and full workup at the Mayo clinic in Rochester Minnesota. We fly out on next Wednesday evening and they need us to stay for five working days so we will have to be gone until the following Wednesday. They will perform all the biopsies, labs and necessary radiographs and most importantly gather all the specialists together to discuss how best to manage our case. It is out of network for our insurance but we believe that we have some strong arguments for why the insurance should allow us to leave the IHC network. It will be nice to finally have a biopsy to confirm the radiographic diagnosis. Huntsman wanted to perform the biopsy. We were going to do it here but after talking to the doctors at Mayo they had a few concerns so we decided that we would rather just wait and do it once and not risk the biopsy being taken in the wrong place and having to have it redone. Dr. Jeff Youngquist has been so nice to come in and cover my patients when I have to be gone. What an answer to prayers he has been.

I should mention, last Tuesday my Dad came down to the office and was just kind of hanging around watching while I was working. He kept asking me what I was doing and why. When I finally had a break where we could talk he said, "Eric, I just wanted you to know that I would be willing to come down and work for free for you while you are gone. I'm not too fast anymore but I'm sure I could do something." It was a very kind gesture. He is 82 years old and struggles with his eyesight but his heart is in the right place. He also told me that he had offered to God to "Take me in Eric's stead" I love my dad. He's not perfect, none of us are, but I love him.

It was nice to get back to work today. I love being a dentist. What a blessing it is to have a job that you love to go to each day. I have a lot to be grateful for. I only cried twice today. I am grateful for that as well.

Last night I received a letter from Bryan Bird, one of the YM that I worked with years ago here in the ward. It had been a hard day and his kind words truly lifted my spirits. Those young men were like sons to me. I loved being a part of their lives. Bryan is now the YM president in his own ward and I am sure blessing the lives of many youth. Isn't it a wonderful how God allows us to to love and serve one another and how much better our lives are because of it all.

Big Mac Facial

First of all we are so grateful for the love and support of family and friends. I came home from work on Tuesday to some very heart warming chalk art on our driveway. It made both JoLynne and I cry (that happens pretty easily these days) Every day my inbox is full of sweet messages of love and support from people who I love. That means more to me than I can express.

We went to Huntsman cancer center today and met with a ENT oncologist. Two doctors re-read the CT scan of my head and both thought that the tumor was likely a chondrosarcoma.

They told us that sarcomas are 1% of adult cancers and that chondrosarcomas are 5% of the total sacromas. Of the chondrosaromas, almost none occur in the head. More in black people and hispanics. (No, I don't dye my hair) Needless to say this is an unusual cancer. Frankly, I would be glad to be a little more common. The ENT oncologist seemed very confident. I kept wondering if he was looking at me as his next professional publication. I was un-impressed with their approach to reconstruction. The reconstructive team doesn't even come to the table during the initial treatment discussions. When I asked about reconstruction he said that they would remove the upper part of the right mandible and replace the bone with a muscle. They called it a soft tissue flap. When I talked to my oral surgeon friends they strongly discouraged me from this approach. They felt like it would lead to facial shrinkage and loss of most function and as Dr. McBee said, "it will look like a Big Mac stapled to your face" I think we will keep looking.

I know that God is looking out for me and that when we find the right surgical team we will feel a sweet confirmation telling us what to do. We went to the temple last night with Shanelle, Mike and Jarom and I had a very sweet experience. I believe that I will make it through this.