Some good signs

Well, I haven't blogged here for while.  I guess it is time to give an update

Let's see.  I had sinus surgery again.  The mass that had filled my sinus came back and I was having trouble breathing through my nose again.  The ENT surgeon agreed and wanted to go in and operate again.  I like breathing quite a lot so it didn't take much to get me to agree.  The surgery went really well.  It is interesting.  Last time when they operated they spent over an hour and a  half trying to intubate me by mouth for the general anesthesia but just couldn't do it.  Finally they ended up placing a tube down my nose instead.  It worked fine but made my sinus surgery a bit harder since there was a tube in the very nose that they were trying to operate on.  This time they decided to try again by mouth and for some reason this time it went right in, no problems.  This made for a better environment for Dr. Shippley to work in.  I was grateful.  I am also breathing again just great which I am also grateful for.  Breathing through ones nose is one of the great pleasures of life that most of us take for granted.

I also had eye surgery.  For various reasons the eye surgeon felt it would be better to close my right eye in a way that the top eyelid would grow together with the bottom eyelid.  Later, when I am better they can open my eye again but not for a little while.  That surgery also went well.

For some reason I am no longer waking up in pain in the middle of the night.  For the longest time I would wake up every night at around 2:00 am hurting.  I would go and take something for pain and wander around while I waited for it to work.  Sometimes I was out wandering the Cul de sac barefoot.  Sometimes I would just walk up and down the stairs.  Anything really while I waited for pain pills to work,  This morning I woke up at 5:00 am in pain and realized that I don't usually wake up in pain anymore.  Life is very good.

Finally, I had my second infusion of PD1.  I wondered if I dreamed that phone call from Brystol Meyers but I guess I didn't.  Our treatment this time didn't cost us a single penny.  I can't tell you how grateful I am.  Another miracle really.  This time with the PD1 I didn't have nearly as much pain but that is because JoLynne took measures to make sure I didn't.  She gave me pain meds and steroids before the PD1 to make sure I didn't have that terrible pain again.  Last time it felt like someone was trying to take my head apart with a crowbar.  It really hurt.  I was literally curled up in a fetal position on my bed crying with pain.  You would think that by now I would be good at pain  and I guess I am but not at that level.  That was too much even for me.  JoLynne and I continue to pray with all our hearts that this PD1 will be an answer to our prayers and will finally defeat this cancer.  In additon to PD1 I am also breathing oxygen 24/7 based on another study that we found.  I am also taking Asprin every day.  Again, another study that we found.  Really, we are just trying everything we know how.

I had a sweet text from my doctor in Houston.  On Labor day she told me that she took her four year old to the butterfly exhibit.  Somewhere in the exhibit is a wishing well.  She gave her four year old, a shiny penny to throw in the well and make a wish.  He threw in his coin and wished, "Please help Dr. Vogel and Dr. Kenny to get better"  Dr. Kenny is another friend of our doctor who is fighting cancer.  Honestly it bought tears to my eyes to think about that little four year old wishing us to get better.

Okay, a few good signs.  Since the second infusion of PD1 I have been so tired all of the time.  It seems like I can sleep almost all day.  This is what you would expect if it was working.  Secondly, for the first time in a really long time I am gaining weight a little.  Back before PD1 I was doing everything I knew how to gain weight and nothing worked.  Literally I was eating about 7000 calories a day and still not gaining weight.  I don't know how that is even possible but it was.  Cancer is a wasting disease meaning that when you have cancer it is really hard to gain weight.  The cancer eats up all of your calories.  

Now I am eating about 3-4 thousand calories a day and lo and behold I am gaining weight.  I am up from 150 to 158 now.  Again, I don't know why but it seems like a good sign, I am grateful.  I feel better too.  Really, other than being tired, I feel pretty good.  I spent the other afternoon providing dental care at one of my charity clinics and loved doing that.  I have been going back into work again a little bit as well.   I really love seeing the people that I work with and my dear patients.  I have such a positive work environment.  Here in the near future I hope to be to work a little more if I can just wake up.

Okay, the third thing is interesting and maybe the most promising of all.  It is almost exactly four years ago that I was diagnosed with cancer.  Before that I had taken my charity, "Share a Smile" out of the country on a fairly regular basis to help the poor outside of our country.    Often those trips were the results of spiritual promptings.  I felt led by Heavenly Father about  where I should go and when.  Well four years ago all promptings about traveling ceased.  There was absolutely no inspiration for me to travel anymore.  I guess I just felt like it was more a time for me to stay home and get better.

Well, about 3 weeks ago I went to bed and had a very vivid dream that I was traveling again with Share a Smile.  In my dream I could see the faces of the children that I was helping.  I could see the looks of gratitude in their eyes when I helped their mouth pain go away so that they could eat again without pain.  It was all very vivid.  We were in Cuba.  It was a beautiful dream, I enjoyed it very much.  The next night I went to bed and once again dreamed that I was in Cuba treating patients.  This time I could see so vividly the faces of Cuban dentists who were helping me.    They were so eager to learn from me.  Once again we were treating mostly children.  Again I woke up again surprised that I would dream about Cuba twice in a row.  Well the next night I went to bed and guess what, yeah, you guessed it.  Cuba again.  Very vivid.  This time when I woke up I thought, "Well, maybe this is more than a simple dream.  I think I am being prompted."  In order to make a trip to Cuba I need to be pretty healthy.  I am hoping that God knows something that I don't yet know.  So, I am having faith that I am going to get better and I began planning a trip to Cuba.

I am working right now on getting an official invitation to the country.  I am a member of lots of societies.  One of them is called the "International College of Detnists".  I contacted the incoming president of the college.  He is very interested in  helping me get invited to Cuba.  I have already arranged at least four dentists from the US to go with me.  I just got notice that Aribex will be willing to donate a portable x-ray unit to the cause.  I am in the process of ordering new portable dental units to leave behind with my new friends I am going to make, Cuban dentists.   I am just assuming that I am going to get better.  What else can I assume.  If God is prompting me to go to Cuba, then He must be intending to control or remove this cancer.   That sounds good to me.

So I would have to say that I am feeling pretty good and that my heart is literally brimming with hope for great news about this cancer.  We are still praying as hard as we know how.  By the way, I really appreciate all of your prayers as well.  I told my doctors in Houston that nearly all of my patients pray for me daily.  They had a hard time believing me.  I insisted that it was true. At the end they just said, "You are so lucky to work in an environment like that and to have patients who love you so much"  I have to say, I agree.  Thank you to all of my friends, patients, followers etc who have basically prayed me alive up to this point.   I love each of you.  But mostly I am grateful to God who, in his great mercy, has seen fit to preserve my life.  I love Him.  My life is a gift.  I intend to use it in His service making the world a better place.  I will forever be grateful to Him and His Son.

Independence day.

So, JoLynne and I are back in Houston.  Today I finished my fifth day of chemotherapy and was discharged from the hospital.  The objective was to deplete my immune system so that tomorrow, when they implant the new genetically enhanced immune system, there will be room for them to grow.  Chemotherapy is not fun.  It makes me tired and nauseated and this time it has given me a lot of headaches.  But, if it accomplishes what they want then I am glad to suffer in order to gain the final desired result.

Tomorrow is a big day.  The actual infusion really only takes a short time.  From last time I remember that the injected cells had a golden color to them.  Oh and they smell like some weird fruit.  This dose will be much higher than what I was given last time.  In January when they did this they were still trying to determine how much could be safely given.  I was only the second patient so the dose I was given was very small.  The result of that and other experiments has shown that the maximum dose had no safety concerns.  So, this time I start at maximum dose.  I like that.  In addition, assuming that my tumor shrinks or even doesn't grow, they will give me another high dose every six weeks for six more times.  I like that too.  Last time when I was in this study my blood supply to the right side of my face was seriously damaged.  Many of the major blood vessels had been destroyed by radiation.  That makes it harder for the T cells to get where they are supposed to go.  Part of my reconstruction in Miami involved rebuilding the blood supply to my face.  Lots of fancy plumbing work.  I think that should also work in my favor.  But, mostly we are relying on the hand of God to direct the affairs of my health.  Only He knows ultimately what the outcome will be and when I am cured, I will gladly give the credit to Him.  He is in charge and for that I am eternally grateful.  We are ready to celebrate "Independence from cancer" day.

Packets of Spiritual Sunlight

I am long overdue to post something here.  I don't know everyone that reads or follows this blog but I do know many of you.  I am sorry that I have been slow in keeping you updated.  Your prayers and faith in my behalf have been a great gift to me.  I love and appreciate you.

Well, we fly out for Houston on Monday.  Treatment will begin Tuesday and we will need to remain in the Houston area for about 3 weeks while they make sure that I don't have any adverse reactions to the treatment.  We hate to be away from our children again but it is necessary.

For the longest time there was still a shadow of uncertainty about if they would allow us into the study or not.  They seemed more inclined to allow us but wouldn't give us a solid answer.  Finally I just had to pipe up and tell them.  "Look, we don't want to whine, but we need some guidance here.  Please let us know if we are going to be in the study or not."   The lead investigator emailed back and said that he really needed to talk through the situation on the phone with me.  We finally got together on Father's day and had a good talk.

It seems I am only the second person that this treatment has been attempted on.   The first was a child and I am the first adult.  They had expected that our insurance would pick up the bill for the chemotherapy and hospital stay that are involved in the study but our insurance was unwilling.  The insurance saw that it was an "Investigational study" and said that our contract specifically permits them to deny payment for such treatments.  The principle investigator, Dr Stephen Gottschalk, said that fighting with insurance companies was something he wasn't used to doing.  His emphasis has always been on research.  He had filed an appeal but didn't know how it would result.  He was very concerned that we would end up having to pay something to be in the study.  I told him that money wasn't our primary concern.  Our concern is to find a cure.  Then he told me "It might be even $3000 or more."  I almost started to laugh.  All this drama over that much money?  I think that he has no idea how much money we have already spent in this fight.   I told him that God had been very good to me in my profession and that we would have no problem finding the money to pay whatever was needed.  He then said, "Then in that case lets get going.  I will have the business office call you tomorrow to set up the start date."  He said he had reviewed my health status and felt that there was nothing there to prevent my participation.  What a lovely father's day present that was.  We have spent a lot of time fretting and worrying about what we would do if we were not allowed to continue in the study.

This has been a rocky road to travel.  It hasn't been easy but at the same time I pondered about what has happened to me and my family these last four years as we have faced these problems together and learned to lean upon the Lord for our support.  I can honestly say that these last four years have been transformative for me personally and for my family.  I am a better person because of what I have been through.  My family is a better family.  Even JoLynne and I, who have always had the sweetest relationship, have grown so much closer because of this.  We walk every day.  I wish you could listen in on our talks during those late night walks.  Wow, we have some amazing discussions as we talk about how God is hearing and answering our prayers and how he is using the priesthood to bless and preserve me.  Cancer is awful, but God somehow makes good things come out of bad ones.

We are still waiting for God to show us the great miracle that He has prepared.  I still need to be cured.  I know that I should be nervous.  The cancer has progressed enough now that there is no time for us to make a mistake in our choices.  We are poised at the brink of a great miracle or, frankly a certain death.  I should be terrified but I'm not at all.  There is a peace that has settled over both JoLynne and I.  Somehow fear has vanished.  It feels like God is illuminating the path before us with small beacons of light that seem to repel our fears.  Richard G. Scott, one of the few apostles that I ever met in my life and had a chance to spend time with said it this way.

"The Lord didn’t just deliver the faithful from their trials right away. Rather, He visited them with the assurance that He would deliver them in His own time. These assurances, to borrow the words of ElderRichard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, are like “packets of spiritual sunlight” that Heavenly Father places in our path “to brighten [our] way.”¹Sometimes that assurance is all we need to persevere through trials, knowing that there will be an ultimate deliverance."

We know that there are challenges yet ahead but we also know that with God's help we can meet them bravely and that all will be as it is supposed to be.  What a great gift to know, beyond faith, that God is there.  He is my loving Heavenly Father.  He hears my prayers and cares about me personally. When I am afraid, He takes my hand. When I hurt, He feels my pain and helps me to bear it.  I am in awe that the greatest being in the universe cares about me.  I think that in the big picture I am not much at all but somehow God thinks I am worth His time.

Two miracles

Well, each day is a little better.  Yesterday my head felt like they had hit me with a two by four in the head a whole bunch of times.  Today just feels like a really bad headache.

There are two miracles that I should share.  It's important to me to share them so that God knows that I saw His hand in my life.  I do see His hand frequently.

When I came out of surgery one surgeon told me that my radiation damage was the worst he had ever seen.  Apparently they spent over an hour under a microscope trying to dissect out my facial nerve from the radiation damaged tissue.  In the end the nerve simply crumbled in their hands.  Dr Marx decided to simply lay the broken pieces back where they were supposed to be.  When I woke up they asked me to blink and I did.  None of the surgeons could understand how that was possible since they had all seen the nerve crumble.  One of the surgeons, Dr. Green, said, "There is simply no way you should be able to blink but here you are, we can't explain it"

A second miracle that may seem smaller but it was important to me.  On Monday I was feeling pretty depressed.  I guess some of that may be normal after a big surgery but knowing that didn't help.  I was in a lot of pain and the medication was only taking the edge off.  When I look in the mirror I see a pretty deformed face looking back at me.  I have no right jaw bone anymore and I lost of lot of teeth.  Then my eye wasn't focusing correctly, which for me is a really big deal.  If I can't focus, I can't do dentistry.  That means being forced to give up the profession I love so much.  We talked to my brother in law Troy.  He is a nuero-opthomolgist.  He said I needed to be seen soon by someone in his field.  He gave us some names of doctors in Miami.  We asked the medical staff for a consult and they said "It's essentially impossible to get an appointment with them.  Your best bet is to bring a bunch of food and just camp there and hope that they will look at you."

Somehow, with His help, we will get through

I guess all in all I was feeling like, "Wow, three and half years later and here I am back here and still not cured.  I'm so tired of struggling.  I wonder if God has forgotten me."  Those kind of feeling were pushing their way into my mind.  I sent Troy a video of my eye movement.  Shortly after he texts back and says, "Wow, crazy but I am at a seminar and who should I run into but the nuero-
ophthalmologist that I wanted you to see.  We looked at your video together.  He says he would be glad to see you and took your phone number and said he would call."  And then Troy said "Eric, you are not forgotten"  Those words and the miracle of him running into this guy right then was what I needed to pull me out of the dumps.  And the doctor did call about an hour later.  We have an appointment on Tuesday morning.

I know God doesn't forget any of us but in the heat of the struggle sometimes it is hard to remember.  My faith should be stronger.  I am grateful that when I go past my limits of faith that He reaches out in love to lift me up as only He can.

Wow, a vacation that didn't include an emergency room

Me with this gorgeous babe I picked on the beach

We just returned home from our "secret" cruise.  It was only four days but it was lovely.  We have had a lot of trouble with vacations for the last little while.  I realized when we returned from this cruise that this is the first vacation we have gone on in a year that didn't have to be ended abruptly with a trip to the emergency room.  We are so grateful!  We are getting a bit paranoid.  JoLynne even bought trip insurance this time, something that we never do.  If I had come down with problems it would have paid to have me transported to medical help and a few other things.  Boy am I glad we didn't use that insurance.

She even has cute feet

It was a simple trip.  We spent a day in Key west where we rented bikes and explored the island and played on the beaches.  It was really fun.  The next day we were in Cozamel Mexico.  That island was a bit too big for bikes so we rented a car.  We went to the bakery and bought yummy Mexican bread and found a restaurant with really delicious food and then played on the beach until the sun went down.

It was the super bowl on Sunday.  I have a confession to make.  I didn't even know who was playing. Our family is so into football.  So, just about everybody on the ship was watching the super bowl and we were playing rummy in the empty dining area.  All in all we just had a great time.

You know it's nice when you have garbage just for coconuts

We put our children on a plane to fly home and JoLynne and I are headed back to Houston to meet with our doctors again.  We should be home in Utah tomorrow night for about 10 days.  After that it is back to Houston again for a chicken pox vaccination.  It's kind of a cool idea.  They programed the DNA in my new T-cells so that when I get a chicken pox vaccine the new T-cells go crazy because their programed to be triggered by chicken pox but attack my cancer instead of chicken pox because that is all they are capable of attacking.  At least that is the idea.  We will get a scan at the same time that will tell us how effective this all has been.

I began reading the Book of Mormon again.  Sunday I read the story about Nephi and his brothers trying to get the brass plates.  Things aren't going too well.  Laban, who has the plates, isn't eager to give them up.  He has already told them no and stolen all of their silver and gold.  Nephi's brothers have seen and angel and still they murmur.  Nephi then makes a speech that I like.  He says, God can defeat Laban and his 50 men, for that matter he can defeat Laban even if he had 10,000 men.  Don't you remember Moses and the armies of Pharaoh?  Nephi then goes into the city, not knowing beforehand what he would do.  And God provides the way.

Pretty nice for January

So, first of all, God can defeat this cancer.  Statistics mean nothing.  What is too hard for God?  Secondly, we are going into this "not knowing beforehand" but we trust that God will open the way.  We just need to have faith.  So that is what we are working on, faith without any doubts.

Praying for miracles

Well, a quick update.

I love this picture.  It is an actual T cell attacking cancer

We met with the staff Tuesday and had a blood draw.  They like to track the numbers of genetically modified cells wandering around in my blood.  They don't have results yet but they did tell us that measuring peripheral blood is not a good indicator.  Apparently the T-cells cluster in the spleen, liver and especially around the targeted tumor.  So the ones wandering around in the blood are just kind of like scouts looking for any stray cancer cells that might have gotten away.

Except for Sunday when I felt a little flu like, I have been feeling great.  I have a tumor in the temple area that bulges out a little.  During chemotherapy that bulge diminished a bit and became softer.  After the T-cell infusion the bump enlarged a little but it is still pretty soft.  My jaw seems swollen too.  I have had an increase in pain as well.  When we visited with the doctor yesterday she seemed quite encouraged by the swelling.  As she said "I hope that means it is working".

And now two T cell on the attack.  

It's interesting when we first met with her she was very low key about the study.  It is after all a phase one trial, that is the very earliest type of trial.  Really nothing has been proven at that point.  During our first meeting she was very careful to downplay any expectations we might have.  She kept saying things like "This is a dosage trial, we aren't really expecting to cure anybody" and things like that.  Now that we are in the study and doing so well, she is almost giddy.  She keeps crossing her fingers and smiling a lot.  Needless to say, we have been hopeful all along.  We know who is really in charge and that He can choose to perform a miracle when and where He pleases.

I think I have mentioned before how much trouble I have had gaining weight.  I had never really tracked my calories until now.  It suddenly becomes apparent to me how little I had been eating.  Now that I am paying attention and eating more I am doing much better.  I gained 8 pounds this week.  Pretty impressive.  Of course JoLynne is making milk shakes with ingredients like, Ice cream, peanut butter, whole milk, muscle protein powder.  1.5 cups has over 600 calories.  Yummy!  To bad I can't taste it.  I have been exercising about an hour a day so most of the weight gain seems to be muscle.  That is nice.  I was looking kind of like a POW there for a while.  It's nice to get some muscle back.

Thank you again for your prayers and your faith.  We miss being home and hope to be there again soon.

Another blog

Isn't language interesting.  Twenty years ago if I told someone that I was going to blog someone would have probably handed me a bucket to catch it in.  Now it means something completely different, or at least I hope so.  Hopefully what I write is more than verbal vomit.

This last Monday I had blood collected for the clinical trial in Texas.  I came into the doctors office holding this fairly large box full of empty vials and handed it to one of my sweet nurses.  She took one look and said, "Wow, that is a lot of blood."  About two thirds of the way through she couldn't get any more to come.  I wondered if I had run out but she managed to pull a little more and finish the job.  I'm still here blogging so I guess that something is still circulating in there.

Kids in Oregon after we abandoned them

Monday afternoon I had a "PEG tube" put into my stomach.  I have really been struggling to swallow. I just can't direct traffic in the back of my throat.  Sometimes the food goes down, sometimes it gets stuck, sometimes it comes out my nose, sometimes it goes into my lungs.  They think that is the reason I got pneumonia this last week.  Sometimes you just have to laugh.  A few days ago I had just eaten dinner and had run over to a friends to take them some tomatoes.  As I was getting out of the car I sneezed and out popped a carrot, not a small one.  I just looked at that and thought "Oh brother".  Anyway, with this tube directly into my stomach I can still keep nourished and not have carrots popping out of my nose.

It was an emotional day for me.  I remember looking at that box as we sent it off to Texas via FedEx thinking, "Okay God, now you have my blood, turn it into a miracle."  It seemed so final.  Then getting the PEG tube seemed like another admission to my declining health.  Arghh, I hate that.  I just kept repeating in my mind, "prepare for a miracle Eric"  We are full of hope and we trust God.  Sometimes I just think "I believe, help thou my unbelief."  It's hard to have perfect faith all of the time.

My angel wife and our granddaughter

I talked to the lead scientist today from Baylor.  She is very nice.  It sounds like treatment will probably begin January 5th.  It will take that long to engineer the cells.   Probably we will need to stay in Texas for about 6 weeks.  This is a phase one trial meaning they are testing safe doses.  She told me that it appears that the initial dose that they had thought to start with appears safe so she is going to jump me up to the next dosing group right from the start.  That is good news to me.  She also said that my blood shows that I am positive for another marker, HER2.  That is also good news.  If the GD2 doesn't work they can try the HER2 instead.  She believes a trial against osteosarcoma using HER2 will begin within a few months.

In the meantime, I haven't had chemotherapy for almost three weeks now and boy do I feel good.  I just love how I feel when I'm not being poisoned.  Chemo will begin again on Friday so I will try to enjoy feeling human again even if it is only for a few days.

If joy had a face, this would be it.

This last week we had most of our children with us.  Seth had flown out to go to his cousins ring ceremony.  Shanelle, Mike and Vivian came to bring our car back from Oregon.  That was a clever way of us to get them to come.  Sunday we took up the entire row with our family.  That made me happy.  It was like the good old days.  They have all gone home now but it was nice while it lasted.

My life

"I walk up stairs formed of faith

I look out windows built of hope

I see images shining back at me of an
imperfect, but beautiful life as it is,

and visions of a wonderful life yet to come"

Eric Vogel
October 2014

(Okay, the stairs squeak a little

and the windows are sometimes a little dirty

but it's good enough for me)

I love my profession

Someone once said, "Choose a job that you love and you will never work a day of your life".  I like that saying.  Now I know that every job has it's moments, mine does, but truly I love what I do.  I have thought about what I love so much and decided that the main thing for me are the wonderful people that I treat as patients.  They feel more like friends to me, not just patients.  It has always felt that way to me but even more so since my health challenges.  When I was first diagnosed the first people we told were our children, then our siblings and parents.  Then we had to make a choice, would we let others know or try to keep it to ourselves.  We made the decision to tell others, my patients and members of my church.  One reason was selfish, I knew that some would pray in my behalf and I wanted to wear our God's ears with petitions.  But the second was that most of these people felt like family to me.  How could I not tell them?  I knew that I would loose some patients who would go looking for a "healthier dentist" but I chose to tell anyway.

For these last three years I have been so grateful for the kindness these people have shown me and the prayers they have offered for me.  I knew how much I loved my patients and church members, I now know better how much they love me in return.  From time to time I have doctors that wanted me to see a mental therapist or join a support group to help me deal with my cancer.  I simply tell them that my therapists and my support group are my family and my friends, many of which are in my practice and my ward and stake.

Okay, having said all that let me tell you something that lifted my heart the other day.  I have a patient and dear friend who I have treated for many years.  She comes from the most wonderful family.  I love all of them.  This particular patient was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer about 17 years ago and told it was incurable.  They estimated she had 18 months.  She underwent treatment anyway even though she new it wouldn't cure it.  Part of her cancer was in the back side of her throat and I could see it.  I took careful photos of it every time she came and would share those with her physicians for their records. I can usually get way better images than they can.  As the years went on we could see it growing but there was little we could do.  These last three years my heart has come to understand her's even better with my own health challenges.  This last week she came in.  She told me that about 6 months ago they had surgically removed some of tumor so that she could swallow better but fully expected it to grow back.  Then in November a new drug was discovered for her cancer. She started taking it within days of it's approval.  Last time I saw her she had a huge tumor in the back right of her throat and another pretty big one in the left side of her throat.  Now when I look, the right side had nothing and the left side had shrunk to almost nothing..  She said "God just needed to keep me alive until a cure could be discovered"  I can't describe how those words came home to me.  It perfectly describes how I feel and what I hope for.

The other day I was visiting with a reconstructive surgeon.  At some point, when my cancer is cured, I am going to have to reconstruct the right side of my face.  The surgeon was very nice and said that what I needed was complex but possible.  He then told me, "You know, you may not survive this cancer right?"  Well, I know know as well as anyone what medicine can do for my cancer right now.  I have read hundreds and hundreds of clinical studies related to my cancer and they all start out with "Since there is no known treatment for recurrent osteosarcoma..." then they proceed to talk about why their experiment might further our knowledge about this untreatable disease.  I looked at this surgeon and said.  "You know, I am barely old enough to rememberer Polio.  It used to be mostly incurable.  Then God chose to reveal a cure.  How many polio patients have you seen this week?"  He got a big smile and said, "None... I like the way you think"

So, life is good.  I have had a wonderful year with two sons getting married, another son leaving on a mission, and hundreds of things that have brought be great joy.  I appreciate every single day.  The hard days just make me appreciate the good ones more.  I love walking, holding my wife's hand and I am looking forward to years and years of that to come.

Joy and Hope

Well, this has been a challenging week and a wonderful week.  Life is that way sometimes.

John and Callie exiting the temple

Let me start with some good news.  This was the week my son John Eric Vogel married his sweetheart Callie Leigh Stettler in the Brigham City Temple.   This occupied most of the day on Friday.  I was concerned about my strength and ability to be a part of the events without becoming too tired but I was blessed.  One of my sweet nurses agreed to come early to the clinic to give me fluids and steroids so that I could feel better.  She met us there at 7:00 am,  We decided to drive our motorhome to Brigham City so that I could rest along the way.  My wonderful son Seth drove the whole way while I slept in the back.  It was like magic.  I climbed in the motorhome, fell asleep and when I woke up we were there.  Now I know why my kids like traveling like that so much.

My family, how blessed I am

The temple was just as you would expect, amazing.  We had a few minutes to wait while the bride and groom were coming.  I sat and looked at my sweetheart JoLynne across the room.  Thirty one years ago we knelt in a similar room at an altar of God and made covenants with each other and with God.  Where did the years go?  It seems like yesterday that the sealer stood and pronounced those words, "For time and for all eternity" over JoLynne and myself.  I felt like I was being transported through time.  I looked to my side at our older children.  I felt like my happiness was too great to contain.  The marriage ceremony was beautiful, simple and sacred.

Very creative car decorations.  Talk about green vehicle

Well, afterwards, a luncheon with family and friends and then a beautiful reception planned by Callie and her family.  I was tired and had to sit down at times but felt like the Lord gave me enough strength to get through.  I slept the whole way home again while Seth drove.  My cute little daughter Elizabeth, now 13 years old, came back and snuggled up by me while I slept.   They grow up too quickly.  I am grateful my daughter was still willing to snuggle up to her dad.

The next day I was pretty tired.  There was a lot to prepare here at our home for the open house.  Our dear friend and neighbor told us very firmly, I don't even want to see you out there.  She arranged for all the neighbors to come and clean up the yard and set everything up.  It was like an army descended on our home.  We are so blessed with good neighbors.

The open house was great.  I saw people who are so dear to me.  I am a pretty tearful guy these days and this was a tearful night for me.  A young man who I loved as if he was my own son come by with his family.  What a joy to see him with his children.  A dear former stake president who has prayed his heart out in my behalf.  So many dear friends.  You know, you can go through life collecting things, and we all do, and in the end they mean nothing for the most part.  But, the relationships we develop along the journey, those really mean something.  In my present situation that seems so clear to me.

Well, John and Callie got off on their honeymoon.  They were nice enough to text us when they arrived at their destinations which I appreciated.  What a wonderful adventure lies ahead for those two.  I can't even imagine.  I hope they are as happy as JoLynne and I have been.  That is saying something.

I wanted to be holy, just not this way

Well, regarding my health, it has been also good and bad.  I began chemotherapy about a week ago Thursday.  Ahh, chemo, such a joy.  Imagine a ballon.  Now imagine all the air is let out.   That is about how you feel.  No energy, no appetite, nausea, mouth sores, etc.  Oh well, it is a process to a desired end.  I had been having significant amounts of pain.  Even though I was taking some pretty heavy duty pain meds the pain still was effecting me.  I would wake up in the night just drenched in sweat as if someone had dumped a can of water over me.  Finally Tuesday morning, I got out of the shower and noticed that I was dripping from my face.  My face had been quite swollen.  Apparently the pressure built enough that finally the skin burst.  It wasn't pretty but my pain was almost completely resolved.  Later another small area burst and I saw further improvement.  I am now taking almost no pain meds and am pretty comfortable.  I have quite the wound on the side of my face but we will hopefully get into wound care tomorrow and have them help us to address that.  Saturday my son in law, a nurse practitioner, pulled out a flashlight and looked into the hole in my cheek.  Apparently you can see the bone and the titanium plates that were screwed in during surgery.  So, we will be very happy to have wound care involved in helping me to heal this wound.

In the meantime, I am working a little, not as much as I would like but as much as my energy allows.  I have a wonderful associate, Mike Merkley, really a gift from heaven who is helping me to take care of my patients.  JoLynne and I have moments of doubt and fear.  We don't know exactly where our path will lead.  We both still believe that God is going to work a miracle and that I will be healed.  We have this vision of us sitting on our front porch in a double wide rocker, watching our grandchildren play on the lawn.  We talk about that a lot when we get discouraged.

Our beautiful granddaughter

Today, my doubts seem less.  I sometimes wonder if it is the prayers of others that brings me that peace.   I do believe in the power of others faith.  I love and appreciate so many of you who have prayed for me through this whole long journey.  My nephew's son the other day came up to me and said, "Uncle Eric, we have been praying for you a long time.  Why are you taking so long to get better?"  Well, I don't know the answer to that question but I am grateful for the prayers.

"Faith as a grain of mustard seed"

There is so much uncertainty in my life right now.  I have held off writing, hoping for more answers.  Well answers will come as they do.  It is challenging to not see more than one step ahead of you.

Last week we left for a family vacation in Boston.  On son Seth is there in medical school and we were looking forward to having the whole family together again with him in Boston.  I have had a small growth in the back right side of my mouth for some time.  We have had a biopsy of it done and it was simply scar tissue.  I had been feeling great.  No pain meds, running in the mornings, swimming and biking.  Almost normal.  Just before we left I thought the bump seemed a bit bigger and looking at it with my intra oral camera it did seem bigger.  I showed it to the doctors but they said not to worry, we were having a scan done August first and we would look at it then.  It had never shown activity on any previous scans.

So we left for Boston.  First night we came in late and went to dinner with Seth.  It was great.  Then we rented a car and drove to New York to watch the pagent, go the sacred grove and other church sites.  It was really wonderful.  Many years ago, I spent a whole summer living on the back of the hill Cumorah helping to build the stages and sound system  It was a remarkable time in my young life.  We lived in a barrack on the back side of the hill and the church hired a cook to keep us well fed while we worked.  There was about a dozen of us young 17 year olds.  This was my first time back to the pagent since I was 17.  It was great to be back there.  Walking through the sacred grove filled my heart with joy.

In the meantime, I was starting to have more pain.  Back to tylenol and ibuprofen every six hours.  I was feverish and having trouble swallowing.

When we got back to Boston we contacted our doctors at Mayo.  They advised us to go the the ER there in Boston.  We went and spent a whole day there.  They took a CT scan and finally came in to advise me that it appeared that my cancer had returned and had spread up the right side of my head, behind my eye and into my brain, temporal lobe.  They felt like with my case complexity and all that I would be better off at Mayo where the doctors knew me.  There was a lot of discussion about an emergency tracheotomy (where they cut a hole in your throat and put in a metal plate to keep the hole open.  this insures an airway)  They also talked about life flighting me to Mayo.  I finally told them, "look, I'm having no trouble breathing, I don't want an emergency tracheotomy.  Call an ENT if you don't believe me about the airway."  The ENT came in and confirmed that my airway was wide open.  The crazy talk continued though.  I have decided that some doctors are just crazy.  One oral surgeon came in, one of the senior residents, and said, "open your mouth"  Well, I can't really open very wide these days.  I did the best I could.  He said "Why aren't you opening?"  I told him, "That's as far as it goes".  He said,  "I don't believe you, you're just not trying"  At that point he grabbed my upper and lower jaw with both hands and tried to force it open.  Of course it wouldn't move.  Then he got all frustrated and said, "Why are you even here, what do you want from us?"  Yup, the king of bedside manner.  Finally we just told them,  "We are done,  give us a copy of our CT scan.  We are leaving"

So, we left our children in Boston with Grandpa and Seth and we got a flight to Mayo.  The doctors there were super accommodating.  They all squeezed me into their schedules.  The did a PET/CT scan, new biopsies and a lot of consults.  No one could say much without the biopsies but the assumption was that the cancer was back.  The surgeon said "inoperable, incurable, but with the right chemo maybe we can buy you some time"  Everyone else pretty much concurred with that.

Thursday we went to the temple.  On our way home the first biopsy came in.  All was negative for cancer.  We were elated.  They wanted more biopsies from other areas.  Friday they did 6 more biopsies with an 18 gauge needle.  That is a pretty good size needle.  Think pencil lead size.  They were tracking the position of the needle with ultra sound.  I watched the first couple that it got to be too freaky and I quit watching.

At that point there wasn't much more we could do but wait so we flew back to Boston to be with the kids again.  Seth had done such a good job entertaining them.  They had swam in Waldon pond, kayaked on the Charles river, Gone to all sort cool historical places.  He is a great brother and tour guide.  We only had a day and a half when we got back but it was good.  We went to the horse race track.  I had never been to one of these before.  We figured out how to place bets and then made our bets using swedish fish.  Natalie was the "bookie".  Most of us lost all our fish by the time it was over,  Obviously the bookie came out best overall.  She was nice and shared her fish with us.  We went out to tangle wood to a Boston Pops concert that night.

We got back to Utah on Sunday night late.  Because of the swelling we got an appointment with the infectious disease doctor who had treated me earlier.  We had Mayo send out any records that they had.  This was a hard visit.  The doctor read through every thing from Mayo and then told us that the biopsies showed positive for osteosarcoma in every area.

Have you ever had a dream where you were falling and you could hardly scream because you were so scared.  I guess that is kind of how it felt.  Like a terrible bad dream and you just wanted to wake up and find out it isn't real.  The doctor basically said, "What are you going to do?"  At that point we were kind of in shock but neither JoLynne or I are ones to give up easily and we told him so.  He said "There is no reason for you to suffer, we have lots of medicines that can stop your pain"  I have had a lot of pain lately.  He was concerned that there may be an infection on top of the cancer so he started me on IV antibiotics that same day.

So, here we sit.  I have an appointment with Dr. Wallentine on Tuesday.  Mayo has ideas about chemo agents that have worked on others in the past who didn't respond to first line drugs.  There are some clinical trials we are looking at.  There have been a lot of tears.  Tuesday night I ordained Spencer and Elder, preparatory to his serving a mission.  Right after that he helped his brothers give me a beautiful blessing.  Wow, I didn't know I could cry that much.  Then he helped while I gave JoLynne a blessing. How grateful we are for the priesthood.

We don't know what the future holds.  But there are things that we know without any doubt.  We know that God loves us and is aware of our situation and is standing by our side through the hardest parts.  There is nothing in this world that we are more sure of than that.  JoLynne and I know that we have made covenants in the temple of God.  Those covenants promise us that we will be together for eternity if we are faithful.  We know that Christ conquered death and because of Him we will live again as well.

So right now we are just begging God for more time.  We have laid before Him our best arguments and poured out our hearts to Him.  We know that if it His will, a miracle will happen and my life will be spared.  We love Him and we trust Him.  We know that many of you have offered up prayers in our behalf as well.  We are so grateful for your love and faith.  Yesterday, while I was waiting for an MRI a stake member, who has his own challenges, saw me.  He hobbled over to me with his cane, put his hand on my knee and said, "President Vogel, I love you, My family loves you, we pray for you every night" He then picked up his cane and made his way back to his chair.  Even though I have serious challenges, I am very blessed.

JoLynne keeps telling me "We just need the faith of a grain of mustard seed.  If it can move mountains, it can certainly cure this cancer.  So, I have never seen a mustard seed but maybe I should study them closer.  Thank you for all that each of you have done and continue to do for me and my family.  We love you.

Hezekiah

2 Kings 20
Chapter 20

Hezekiah is told he will die and pleads with the Lord; his life is lengthened fifteen years--The shadow goes back ten degrees on the sundial of Ahaz--Isaiah prophesies the Babylonian captivity of Judah. 

1 In those days was Hezekiah sick unto death. And the prophet Isaiah the son of Amoz came to him, and said unto him, Thus saith the Lord, Set thine house in order; for thou shalt die, and not live.
2 Then he turned his face to the wall, and prayed unto the Lord, saying,
3 I beseech thee, O Lord, remember now how I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done that which is good in thy sight. And Hezekiah wept sore.
4 And it came to pass, afore Isaiah was gone out into the middle court, that the word of the Lord came to him, saying,
5 Turn again, and tell Hezekiah the captain of my people, Thus saith the Lord, the God of David thy father, I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee: on the third day thou shalt go up unto the house of the Lord.
6 And I will add unto thy days fifteen years; and I will deliver thee and this city out of the hand of the king of Assyria; and I will defend this city for mine own sake, and for my servant David’s sake.
7 And Isaiah said, Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the boil, and he recovered.

It has been a tough week for us. We have taken hope in the story of Hezekiah

Four down, one to go!

Pretty photogenic right?

I just completed my fourth treatment.  Mostly I feel pretty good.  My jaw feels stiff and bruised, my taste buds are gone again and some sores are starting but really not too bad.  Way better than I have felt with previous treatments!  I walked four blocks home from my appointment today.  They say the effects will be worse next week but frankly, so far, this is nothing compared to what I have been through.

This is a High tech machine!

We went to a local ward for church yesterday.  People were so nice.  Everyone introducing themselves and asking about us.  I met a former student of mine who is now studying here.  Someone invited us to a fourth of July party and then said, "If you have to come back again, you are welcome to stay with our family in our basement.  We have room and you could save some money."  I had barely met these people not 5 minutes before.  Isn't the gospel an amazing phenomenon?  I wish all people were so kind to one another.  The world would be an amazing place.

Yesterday after church we drove to Wisconsin to look at the Mississippi.  There is a park bench down there that we happened upon about 18 months ago that we believe had a message from God to us.   We have looked but  have never been able to find again.  (See blog from 10/9/2011)  Anyway, this time we managed to find it.  The writing on the bench was faded but still legible.   It says;

"It's okay to have bad day's, hold on, be strong"

Still good advice 18 months later.

This blog started out as a way to keep people who were worried up to date about my treatments.  I hope that it has served that purpose well.  Like many things it has grown into something somewhat unexpected.  Unless you leave a comment I don't really know who is looking at this blog.  I can, however, see maps of where it is being looked at.  It is something that I don't fully comprehend.  Most of the views are from the United States, that isn't surprising.  What does surprise me  is the number of people who are following from countries all over the world.  From what I see I am approaching nearly 70,000 views.  Many of those viewing are from Russia, Canada,  Latvia, China, Germany, Spain, Denmark etc...  I have traveled to many of your countries providing humanitarian service as a dentist.  Perhaps some of you are following for that reason.  Perhaps some of you are people I have never met.  For whatever reason, I am happy to have you follow along.  I hope that my experiences have in some way helped you to meet your own challenges in life.  The prevailing message that I hope my blog conveys is to live with hope.  For me that hope largely comes from my faith in God and from the faith and love of others who surround me.

The shag carpet car.  

Some day it will be my time to leave this life.  I don't know when that time will be.  I plan to enjoy every day that I am allowed here and to make a difference for good in the world.  When my time comes to leave this life I will leave it with hope as well for a world even better than this one and an assurance that my separation from those I love is only temporary.  I have no doubt in my mind that such will be the case!  I don't know the challenges you each face but I hope and pray that you can find courage and peace as you face those challenges.  Look in your heart, I think you will find that you don't have to face them alone.

Okay, here is the random thing we saw on Saturday.  We made a wrong turn and came upon the most lovely car I have seen in a while.  I'm not sure why someone would do this but it is unique.  The car is completely covered in shag carpet and then has a few bones glued on to make it extra special.  The question is:  Would you wash your car or vacuum it?

Well, the saga continues....

We have had mostly good news lately.

After several calls, the oncologist at Mayo finally called us back.  In the meantime several other parties had weighed in on my case.  The radiologist at Mayo re-read my MRI and his conclusion was "One tumor with other areas impossible to differentiate"  This is more consistent with what we were told by the radiologist here who said "One tumor with other areas consistent with radiation edema"  Irregardless, these are all better reports than the surgeon who basically felt like the whole area was full of cancer.  My dear friend, an oncology scientist, called it the VOMIT phenomenon, (Victim Of Modern Imaging Technology).

Also our friend, Dr. Foote, the head of radiation oncology at Mayo, also a good friend and the Stake President in Rochester, looked at my case and felt that we should use Stereotactic Body Radiation Therapy (SBRT) to cut out the tumor.  This is sometimes called Gamma knife or Cyber Knife.  It's kind of like Star Wars stuff.  The tumor is mapped using CT scans into a computer and then robots operate on you using intense focused radiation as scalpels.  It's supposed to be super precise.  They never actually cut your skin, the SBRT can destroy tissue wherever they want without a surgical entry.  After talking to their sarcoma board at Mayo they all agreed that chemo was not a good choice at this point and that SBRT was a better choice.  As of right now we are scheduled at Mayo next Tuesday for the planning appointments and one week later for the surgery.  Recovery is supposed to be pretty good.  Not too much pain or time down.

In the meantime, we are working on backup plans just in case.  We are having our tumor analyzed genetically looking for any weakness that might be attacked.  This is being done at Harvard by a group called "FoundationOne".  This takes about 3 weeks to analyze.  We are also going to Huntsman Cancer institute on Monday to see if they have any other bright ideas.  And in addition we are making arrangements in Philadelphia at the Fox Chase cancer institute, to gather living tumor tissue prior to my surgery.  They are doing research where they implant your tumor into mice and basically give them your cancer.  They then use the mice to try out various chemotherapuetic attacks to see if any combination of chemicals might prove to be effective against the tumor.  They will take about 3 months to have results using this technique.

Mostly our good news is how we feel in our hearts.  Both JoLynne and I are at peace.  Others have told me the that they have the same impression.  They have felt that everything is going to be fine.  We called Peter on Sunday to tell him what was going on.  We had asked permission from his mission president before calling.  The mission president invited Peter to his house to make the call so that he and his wife could make sure that Peter was okay after getting the news.  After our call the mission president asked Peter if he could give him a blessing.  He placed his hands on Peter's head and quoted the scripture "Be still and know that I am God".  What are the chances that of all scriptures he could quote he would chose that one?  As I was driving to work the other day I had a profound feeling, hard to express in words, but there was a sense of awe and power.  I guess if I had to put it in words it would be "Behold, the hand of God", or "Prepare to witness a miracle".

Crazy Hair!

JoLynne and I refer to the "dark thoughts", the ones that creep into our minds and demand center stage.  Thoughts filled with fear and doubt.  Lately they haven't had much time at center stage and we are grateful.

Vivian's pool party

In the meantime, my hair is crazier than ever and Vivian invited us to a great pool party last night.  Life is good!

Every day is a gift

I haven't posted anything for a while.  I guess the adage, "no news is good news" applies here.  Yesterday I completed my 20th radiation treatment.  That means I now have only 13 remaining.  February 27th will be my last day of treatment.  Monday I will spend most of the day getting my last dose of chemotherapy.  I informed my doctor yesterday that I would like this to be the last chemotherapy that I receive in my mortal life and I plan on having a long mortal life.  He just laughed and said that he would be okay with him as well.  It has been a journey.

Whenever I get discouraged I just think of all the blessings I have had along the way and it makes me feel better.  Radiation for the first two weeks was not too hard.  That is what they had told me to expect.  After two weeks the problems begin.  For those of you who have experienced head and neck radiation you understand what I am talking about.  Sores break out in your mouth and throat that make it hard to even talk let alone swallow.  Your taste buds cease to work entirely so everything tastes like straw.  Your saliva all goes away and that doesn't help the swallowing either.  By about 2 and a half weeks into treatment that is where I was at.

I am usually pretty good about dealing with pain but it was getting past my limits.  I don't take medications when I can avoid them but I was finding it necessary to take 800 mg of ibuprophen three times a day just to function.  Even with that it only took the edge off of the pain.  I should have been more proactive in addressing the mouth sores from the start but I wasn't.  I meet with the doctor every Wednesday.  I remember going in and expressing my concerns.  They were kind but didn't have a lot of good solutions.  I asked if there was any chance I could get over the sores and they said that they hadn't seen that happen.  They said I would be lucky if the sores stayed only at that level through the remainder of treatment.   They told me that I could have round the clock narcotics or possibly an NG tube to allow me to continue eating if things became worse.  My mouth looked like one big canker sore.  It felt like the sores were in my ear, throat and sinus as well but I couldn't see those areas.  I left feeling pretty discouraged.  About a week before I had made a few changes in my protocols in my mouth and throat care but so far it wasn't helping.  I really didn't want to spend the next four weeks on narcotics.  That night I went home and in my prayers I plead with Heavenly Father for an answer about what I should do.  There was a sense of peace but not much more.  Thursday I woke up with a slight decrease in pain.  This was the first time in a week that the pain was less instead of more.  I got up and took my ibuprofen.  This time it more than took the edge off,  I almost felt human again.  It felt like a miracle to me.  I was still in pain but it was manageable again.  I cried off and on all that day, tears of gratitude.  (I think my office staff think I am an emotional mess.)  I didn't need all the pain removed, just enough that I could deal with it.  I felt like that prayer had been granted.  The improvement continued through the next 6 days.  When I met with the doctors the next week they wanted to know about my pain levels and if I was ready to move to higher levels of medication.  When I told them that I was feeling better they were somewhat incredulous.  I am just grateful.

Well, two and a half weeks will soon be done with.  I am praying for a life free from cancer from this point onward.

We have been so grateful to be able to be home while I am receiving my treatments.  In January my sweet daughter Elizabeth turned 12 years old.  She was pretty excited.  It was a great day.  We only let our children have a "Friend party" once every four years.  This was the year for her.  She loves Dr. Who so she planned a Dr. Who theme party.  It was cute.  Our son Peter, who is preparing to leave on a mission to Spain went through the temple for the first time.  Words cannot express how I felt.  What  joy to be in the temple with him and all our older children.  I hope it is symbolic of a day when we will all stand together in God's presence worthy and full of joy.  Watching my grand daughter discover her hands and learn to sit up is irreplaceable.  I know I would have received great care at Mayo but I am grateful that the doctors at Mayo were willing to work with the doctors here so that I could stay home.  Every morning I wake up and think of each day as a gift from God.  None of us know how long our mortal journey will last.  We should relish every day.  Take time to enjoy a child's laughter, to watch a sparrow at your bird feeder, to enjoy the warmth of another person's embrace.  I am trying to live that way.

"There and back again"

We have recently returned from Minnesota, our Disney cruise and some wonderful family time in Florida.  It's was good to go but it's nice to be home!

Balmy Minnesota attire

The part of our the trip involving Minnesota was kind of a "necessary evil".  As you probably know if you follow this blog portions of my jaw cancer had returned and needed to be removed surgically.  The doctors decided to try and remove the tumors through my right nostril.  During surgery they found that they needed better access so an incision was made under my upper lip allowing the surgeon to access and remove the rest through my right sinus.  Not a fun surgery but certainly not as bad as last time when they peeled off the whole right side of my face.

My operation was on Tuesday and we were scheduled to fly to Florida on Friday to go on a cruise with our family.  We were probably a little crazy to plan a trip so soon after my surgery but it was a leap of faith.  In retrospect it all turned out well.  All of this is going to me make me more compassionate to my patients in the future when I treat them.  It turns out that getting your mouth cut isn't that comfortable.  Nothing engenders compassion better than personal experience.  After the surgery I was somewhat swollen for the next few weeks and I had to be careful when I was eating so that food wouldn't push on the surgical site but overall the recovery wasn't too bad.   Gratefully eating isn't that big of a part of taking a cruise. :)

Beach at St. Thomas

So we arrived in Florida and met our children at the airport.   We had  chosen to go on a Disney cruise since they were the only one we could find that would allow a 3 months old baby on board.  This was our first cruise ever so we have nothing to compare against but it was wonderful.  There was fun stuff to do every day, way too much food,  beautiful sunsets and lots of time where you didn't have to do anything.  I've decided that it is way nicer to recover from surgery on a cruise ship than in a hospital room and it costs a lot less.

Drowning in a life jacket

Our cruise left from Florida and headed to St. Thomas.  With all our trips to Mexico we are somewhat used to beaches in December so laying on the beach seemed just right for Christmas.  Taking our grand daughter swimming in the ocean for the first time was simply a delight.  From there we went to Puerto Rico.  The day we docked was rainy but we didn't care.  We put on Disney ponchos and trudged all around San Juan.  We were looking for "old town" and at one point we asked a policeman for directions.  He just looked at us and said, "It's all old town".  Anyway, we had a great day and the rain cleared up after a while as well.  From there we went to an island owned by Disney and spent another day on the beach.  It rained that day as well but we still had a great time.  The rain just helped to clear everyone off the beach and leave it all for us.

Epcot at night

After seven days at sea we returned back to Florida where JoLynne had rented a home for us near Disney World.  We couldn't check into the house until the afternoon so we went for a ride in the everglades on airboats.  Our cute little grand daughter was simply "drowning" in the life jacket but it worked, sort of.  it was amazing to skim across the swamps and see birds and alligators everywhere you looked.  The home that JoLynne rented was just perfect for the twelve of us.  I don't think that I mentioned that we had every one of our children with us and our son in law and grand daughter.  We managed a "full house".  Days were spent at Disney World and evenings spent playing games and watching movies.  It was wonderful.  The park was full but JoLynne, the master planner, seemed to get us onto the rides with almost no waiting for the most part.  She is amazing.

Disney at Christmas.
Apparently we weren't the only ones with this idea

Finally on Saturday it was time to return to real life.  It's hard to go from 70 degrees and sun to snow and 20 degrees but it had to be done.  We came home to shoveled driveways thanks to our wonderful neighbors and a nice warm home.  So nice to sleep in our own bed again.  And, even with all the fancy food of a cruise ship somehow what you make in your own kitchen just tastes better.

Holding my nephew,
Finally someone with my same hairstyle

Well, on this Wednesday we meet with the radiation oncologist here to start making plans for my radiation. We have high hopes that it will not be so devastating as the chemotherapy.  We are especially hopeful that with the radiation and my last surgery we can finally defeat this cancer once and for all.  I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone but this last year has taught me things that I don't know that I could have learned the same in any other way.  I have a CTR ring that I wear.  I know that CTR stands for "Choose the Right" but  I wear it because for me it also stands for "Choose to Remember".  I hope that long after I am cured I can always remember what this year has taught me.

Among other things cancer has taught me:

• Trust in the Lord and He won't disappoint you.  He may not take away your trials but He will walk with you through them.  Having Him by my side has meant everything to me.
• The blessing of family in times of trial.  I have felt help from people from the other side of the veil, especially my mother.  My children have lifted me (literally at times) when I couldn't lift myself.  I can't even express what JoLynne has meant to me.  I have come to look upon her as my guardian angel.  Words can't express what I feel.  
• The true meaning of charity.  I have seen such amazing kindness and caring by those around me
• Why the Holy Ghost is called the "comforter" and what that really means.
• The power of the Temple in bringing peace and helping us to find answers to our questions.
• The power of faith, especially on the part of people who care about you and priesthood blessings to bring about miracles.



Sunset over Disney

• What really matter in life.  Things that seemed so important to me before seem less so now.  I appreciate a sunrise more, looking at my grand daughter or holding her while she falls asleep are pretty high on my list now.

We are so grateful for each day and for friends and family who love and support us.  Thank you!