Red rover, red rover, send Eric back over

It has been wonderful to be home.  I forgot how nice our own bed is.

We talked with the doctors from Houston yesterday.  They have been talking with the immunotherapy board about what the next best step would be.  My tumor has at least two unique markers on the tumor cells.  One marker is called GD2 and the other is called HER2.  Our first time in Houston they designed cells to target the GD2 marker.  After reviewing the pathology reports they have decided that they would like to put in new cells aimed at the HER2 marker and see what that does.  The GD2 seemed to have killed about half of the tumor but the tumor could have died for other reasons.  We aren't sure.  The HER2 will be very similar to the GD2 except that they are going to give me 5 days of chemotherapy before injecting it.  The theory is that if you clear our some of your own T-cells that there will be more room for the injected, enhanced T-cells to expand and take over.  This will be the sixth time I have gone through chemotherapy.  Ughh...   We will probably have to be back in Houston in about 2 weeks.

We knew that this might be an option so when I was in Houston last time I had them take blood and prepare the genetically modified cells targeting HER2 just in case.  So, the cells have all been engineered and are sitting in cold storage waiting to be injected.  Oh, another important difference in this study is that they will keep injecting more T-cells every 6-12 weeks as long as the tumor is responding.  I really like that idea.  T-cells, even genetically enhanced ones, don't live that long.  I love the idea of sending in fresh troops over and over until the job is done.

This same doctor did this same study a year ago without the chemotherapy.  You should understand that to qualify for these studies you have to have exhausted all conventional treatments.  In other words, there is no known cure.  The last time he did this study 50% of the patients were still doing well at the end of a year.  That doesn't seem that great but when you consider who they are working with it is really very promising results.

So, last night JoLynne and I went for a walk around the block talking through all this stuff.  It's a "hard pill to swallow", so to speak.  Knowing what chemo is like doesn't make it easier I'm afraid.  Anyway, we came home and were laying in bed.  I was cold and had a blanket.  JoLynne said, "What do you think Eric?"  I told her that I had a very distinct burning in my bosom  Then I pulled back the blanket and showed her the electric hot pad on my chest.

The other guy

One week from today I will have my reconstruction.  For the record, I plan on sleeping through the whole event.

Yesterday we went to the temple  As we entered the locker this sweet temple worker looked at my bandage and said, "What did the other guy look like?"  Usually I can never think of clever things to say on the spot but I guess inspiration comes more easily in the temple.  I told him "The other guy was a surgeon.  Watch out for them.  They knock you out and then they beat you up"  We both had a good laugh.

Honestly I will be so grateful to have this rebuilt.  Talking to the surgeon and my infectious disease doctor here they are a little concerned about a psuedomonas infection that I have on the old, broken titanium chain.  This type of bacteria adheres to metal and is very hard to get rid of while metal is present.  So, they may do the surgery in stages.  First remove the metal and all the dead and damaged tissue and repair the holes and then wait a few months for the psuedomonuas to resolve before rebuilding the jaw.  We will know more on Wednesday when we talk to Dr. Marx.  I plan on telling him, "Look, I plan on living to an ripe old age, so start with that as a given.  Then treat me the same way you would if I was your brother."

I was honored at the UDA (Utah dental association) meeting this morning.   Inducted into the international college of dentists actually.  Normally this has to be done at a national ADA meeting but they made an exception for me due to my health.  They tell me that this is the first time that they have ever allowed an exception.  It was very nice to be there with my sweetheart JoLynne by my side.  Some of the finest dentists that I know belong to this group.  I was grateful to be invited.

Face lift and tummy tuck coming up

Tuesday was a very good day.

I had my scan on Friday.  Usually we can go and get the results right away, usually within 3 hours but somehow there was a hangup.  They kept having problems.  So the days went by and still no results.  I was beginning to imagine things like, "Maybe it's bad news so they don't want to tell me."  Finally I just decided that I didn't care what they told me, I know what I believe that God has told me so that information trumps all doctors.

Finally we had a appointment with our doctor on Tuesday.  We went in and he said, "I'm sure you have already read your report."  We usually do.  This time we told him that we didn't know anything about it.  He smiled and started to read.  "No change in tumor size since February scan"  JoLynne and I went out in the hall and cried.  JoLynne said she felt like going dancing.  I couldn't think of anywhere to dance at 11:00 am.  Our daughter suggested the senior citizen center.  We didn't take her up on that.

No growth is great news.  Because I have a hard tissue tumor it won't shrink for a long time, even if it is dead.  The fact that it isn't growing is awesome.  The only time in the last three years that I have had the tumor growth stop for any length of time was when they hit me with that massive radiation that I am still suffering from.  That stopped it for a year.  Frankly in that area it is still stopped.  Everything there is stopped dead...literally.  Healthy tissue and cancer alike all dead.

So now the path is clear for reconstruction...Yeah.  In about a week and a half we leave for Miami.  April 17th will be the surgery.  We arrive a few days early to do preliminary work.  JoLynne has rented a house that will be very nice to recover in.  I will be a week in the hospital and then will need to remain in the area for a month in case there are complications.

I'm pretty excited to have a complete face again.  They will be using skin from my tummy, literally they are calling it a tummy tuck.  They asked me to gain weight and I have really tried.  It hasn't been easy.  A dear friend and neighbor clued me into some stuff that body builders use.  1900 calories per serving.  WooHoo...That has helped a little.  I am now eating about 4500 calories a day and my weight is inching up 1/2 a pound a week.

I have been so blessed.  I know that the prayers of so many have made a difference in my life.  Thank you.  I love and appreciate you.

A VERY GOOD DAY!

Today I finally heard back from our doctor in Houston, Dr. Wang.  She called me just as I was finishing patients for the morning.  We have been pretty anxious about this call.

So, she said that the scan showed no tumor growth.  In her words, "This is the best possible outcome we could expect at this point in the trial."  She told me that because my cancer creates bone, it will take time for my body to remove the bone tissue that had been made,

This is the part that had Dr. Wang really excited.  As part of the study last Tuesday they gave me a chicken pox vaccination.  The genetically altered T-cells have been programed to be responsive to the chicken pox virus.  So the idea was that giving me a vaccination would cause the T-cells to become more active.  Well, by Tuesday night I was hurting quite a bit.  By Wednesday morning at 5:30 am the pain had become excruciating.  It felt like someone had cut a hole in the top of my head and was pouring boiling water in the right side of my head.  I was literally running around the apartment holding my head in both hands.  I needed to get some pain medication but I was hurting so much I couldn't compose myself to get it ready.  Sweet JoLynne came running out of the bedroom to my rescue.  So after dumping a bunch of pain medication in my stomach tube JoLynne sat and rubbed my feet trying to get the pain to ease off.  It finally did, thank heavens.  Then the drainage from my wound really ramped up.  The bandage just kept filling up with drainage.

So I don't think that they expected such a dramatic response to the vaccination.  Frankly I didn't either.  Now it has been several days.  My face is still burning but not as bad.  Still lots of drainage.  I told Dr. Wang what was happening.  She was pretty excited.  She took my case to a conference today and presented it.  The other doctors were excited as well.  She now wants me to keep a daily diary of everything I experience.  She wanted JoLynne to retrieve my yucky bandages and gauze out of the garbage and send it to Houston for analysis.  She said that given my response we should have no hesitation in scheduling our reconstruction surgery in Miami and she wants them to preserve all the bone they remove and have it frozen and sent to Texas for analysis.  After talking to her on the phone it felt like they believe they have discovered something important in cancer treatment.  She was very upbeat.

God answers prayers

JoLynne said "You know, Dr. Wang is so nice, God would have no problem revealing something important through her."  I agree wholeheartedly.   JoLynne and I spent a good part of the afternoon crying  We are so grateful that God is providing this miracle to preserve my life.  The day of miracles has not passed.

Wow, a vacation that didn't include an emergency room

Me with this gorgeous babe I picked on the beach

We just returned home from our "secret" cruise.  It was only four days but it was lovely.  We have had a lot of trouble with vacations for the last little while.  I realized when we returned from this cruise that this is the first vacation we have gone on in a year that didn't have to be ended abruptly with a trip to the emergency room.  We are so grateful!  We are getting a bit paranoid.  JoLynne even bought trip insurance this time, something that we never do.  If I had come down with problems it would have paid to have me transported to medical help and a few other things.  Boy am I glad we didn't use that insurance.

She even has cute feet

It was a simple trip.  We spent a day in Key west where we rented bikes and explored the island and played on the beaches.  It was really fun.  The next day we were in Cozamel Mexico.  That island was a bit too big for bikes so we rented a car.  We went to the bakery and bought yummy Mexican bread and found a restaurant with really delicious food and then played on the beach until the sun went down.

It was the super bowl on Sunday.  I have a confession to make.  I didn't even know who was playing. Our family is so into football.  So, just about everybody on the ship was watching the super bowl and we were playing rummy in the empty dining area.  All in all we just had a great time.

You know it's nice when you have garbage just for coconuts

We put our children on a plane to fly home and JoLynne and I are headed back to Houston to meet with our doctors again.  We should be home in Utah tomorrow night for about 10 days.  After that it is back to Houston again for a chicken pox vaccination.  It's kind of a cool idea.  They programed the DNA in my new T-cells so that when I get a chicken pox vaccine the new T-cells go crazy because their programed to be triggered by chicken pox but attack my cancer instead of chicken pox because that is all they are capable of attacking.  At least that is the idea.  We will get a scan at the same time that will tell us how effective this all has been.

I began reading the Book of Mormon again.  Sunday I read the story about Nephi and his brothers trying to get the brass plates.  Things aren't going too well.  Laban, who has the plates, isn't eager to give them up.  He has already told them no and stolen all of their silver and gold.  Nephi's brothers have seen and angel and still they murmur.  Nephi then makes a speech that I like.  He says, God can defeat Laban and his 50 men, for that matter he can defeat Laban even if he had 10,000 men.  Don't you remember Moses and the armies of Pharaoh?  Nephi then goes into the city, not knowing beforehand what he would do.  And God provides the way.

Pretty nice for January

So, first of all, God can defeat this cancer.  Statistics mean nothing.  What is too hard for God?  Secondly, we are going into this "not knowing beforehand" but we trust that God will open the way.  We just need to have faith.  So that is what we are working on, faith without any doubts.

Never pray for empathy

I don't want to sound proud but I will just say that I have always taken pretty good care of my teeth.  It kind of goes along with my profession.  In the last 30 years I have had only one cavity.  I always try to be empathetic to my patients when they suffer with dental problems.  I really do care.  But to be honest I haven't had a lot of tooth problems myself so my caring about their problems doesn't come from personal experience but rather just because I love my patients.  Well, I guess that is changing.  This dumb cancer is bringing me more experiences.

My mouth is suffering the after effects of massive radiation exposure.  They told me that after 33 rounds of head and neck radiation that I had here I had my "life time maximum".  Unfortunately, as things turned out, we had to have more radiation at Mayo to save my life.  The second time around was an quite a bit more radiation than what I had received during the 33 rounds.  So, now I am like three times my life time maximum. I pretty much glow in the dark.

 I have been having more pain so my sweet wife suggested that maybe I had tooth problems.  I hadn't even thought of that since I don't ever really have tooth problems.  Knowing that she is almost always inspired I went to my office and took some x-rays.  Sure enough, my two bottom right molars had abscesses and I probably have three abscesses on the top right.  No cavities, just dead teeth.  I think that they just gave up and died from so much radiation.  Much of the bone around the teeth is also gone.  All I can say is "Darn it all!"  Honestly I would swear if I thought it would help.

I called my dear friend, Daniel Burr.  He is an endodontist and he was so kind to get me right in at his office.  The question is, how do you do a root canal treatment when you can only get your mouth open 1/2 inch?  Well, I don't know how Daniel did it, he is a magician, but he got in there and cleaned the bottom two out and medicated them.  When we have some more time we will do the top ones.  For all my patients who have had root canal treatments in the past I guess I can now join your club.  One way or another, God is going to shape me into something better I guess.  Right now He is teaching me empathy.

Other than dental adventures and dealing with some pain I am doing okay.  We are still anxious for January to arrive.  I'm getting used to taking most of my nutrition through my stomach tube.  It's a relief to not have to get everything by mouth.  JoLynne is so kind and patient.  She is always concerned about me and trying to do whatever she can to make me comfortable and healthy.  The other night I was hurting and waiting for medications to kick in.  JoLynne sat there for probably 30 minutes rubbing my feet trying to take away my pain.  She is truly angelic.  I am blessed more than I can say.

My brother in law passed away just recently.  It was such an sudden thing.  During the few months that he was ill we prayed our hearts out for him.  I can't remember a time that I have ever prayed that hard for anything.  If prayers and tears alone could heal you he would have been healed many times over.  Only God knows the whole plan.  I don't pretend to.  It was hard to see him go.  My sister Marie is a strong, faithful woman.  She will be okay but it will be lonely for her until they are together again.  How grateful I am to know, without a shadow of doubt, that death is not the end.  I can't understand how people deal with this who lack that knowledge.  I know that I will see Randy again one day, I have no doubt.  I look forward to that day.

"Faith as a grain of mustard seed"

There is so much uncertainty in my life right now.  I have held off writing, hoping for more answers.  Well answers will come as they do.  It is challenging to not see more than one step ahead of you.

Last week we left for a family vacation in Boston.  On son Seth is there in medical school and we were looking forward to having the whole family together again with him in Boston.  I have had a small growth in the back right side of my mouth for some time.  We have had a biopsy of it done and it was simply scar tissue.  I had been feeling great.  No pain meds, running in the mornings, swimming and biking.  Almost normal.  Just before we left I thought the bump seemed a bit bigger and looking at it with my intra oral camera it did seem bigger.  I showed it to the doctors but they said not to worry, we were having a scan done August first and we would look at it then.  It had never shown activity on any previous scans.

So we left for Boston.  First night we came in late and went to dinner with Seth.  It was great.  Then we rented a car and drove to New York to watch the pagent, go the sacred grove and other church sites.  It was really wonderful.  Many years ago, I spent a whole summer living on the back of the hill Cumorah helping to build the stages and sound system  It was a remarkable time in my young life.  We lived in a barrack on the back side of the hill and the church hired a cook to keep us well fed while we worked.  There was about a dozen of us young 17 year olds.  This was my first time back to the pagent since I was 17.  It was great to be back there.  Walking through the sacred grove filled my heart with joy.

In the meantime, I was starting to have more pain.  Back to tylenol and ibuprofen every six hours.  I was feverish and having trouble swallowing.

When we got back to Boston we contacted our doctors at Mayo.  They advised us to go the the ER there in Boston.  We went and spent a whole day there.  They took a CT scan and finally came in to advise me that it appeared that my cancer had returned and had spread up the right side of my head, behind my eye and into my brain, temporal lobe.  They felt like with my case complexity and all that I would be better off at Mayo where the doctors knew me.  There was a lot of discussion about an emergency tracheotomy (where they cut a hole in your throat and put in a metal plate to keep the hole open.  this insures an airway)  They also talked about life flighting me to Mayo.  I finally told them, "look, I'm having no trouble breathing, I don't want an emergency tracheotomy.  Call an ENT if you don't believe me about the airway."  The ENT came in and confirmed that my airway was wide open.  The crazy talk continued though.  I have decided that some doctors are just crazy.  One oral surgeon came in, one of the senior residents, and said, "open your mouth"  Well, I can't really open very wide these days.  I did the best I could.  He said "Why aren't you opening?"  I told him, "That's as far as it goes".  He said,  "I don't believe you, you're just not trying"  At that point he grabbed my upper and lower jaw with both hands and tried to force it open.  Of course it wouldn't move.  Then he got all frustrated and said, "Why are you even here, what do you want from us?"  Yup, the king of bedside manner.  Finally we just told them,  "We are done,  give us a copy of our CT scan.  We are leaving"

So, we left our children in Boston with Grandpa and Seth and we got a flight to Mayo.  The doctors there were super accommodating.  They all squeezed me into their schedules.  The did a PET/CT scan, new biopsies and a lot of consults.  No one could say much without the biopsies but the assumption was that the cancer was back.  The surgeon said "inoperable, incurable, but with the right chemo maybe we can buy you some time"  Everyone else pretty much concurred with that.

Thursday we went to the temple.  On our way home the first biopsy came in.  All was negative for cancer.  We were elated.  They wanted more biopsies from other areas.  Friday they did 6 more biopsies with an 18 gauge needle.  That is a pretty good size needle.  Think pencil lead size.  They were tracking the position of the needle with ultra sound.  I watched the first couple that it got to be too freaky and I quit watching.

At that point there wasn't much more we could do but wait so we flew back to Boston to be with the kids again.  Seth had done such a good job entertaining them.  They had swam in Waldon pond, kayaked on the Charles river, Gone to all sort cool historical places.  He is a great brother and tour guide.  We only had a day and a half when we got back but it was good.  We went to the horse race track.  I had never been to one of these before.  We figured out how to place bets and then made our bets using swedish fish.  Natalie was the "bookie".  Most of us lost all our fish by the time it was over,  Obviously the bookie came out best overall.  She was nice and shared her fish with us.  We went out to tangle wood to a Boston Pops concert that night.

We got back to Utah on Sunday night late.  Because of the swelling we got an appointment with the infectious disease doctor who had treated me earlier.  We had Mayo send out any records that they had.  This was a hard visit.  The doctor read through every thing from Mayo and then told us that the biopsies showed positive for osteosarcoma in every area.

Have you ever had a dream where you were falling and you could hardly scream because you were so scared.  I guess that is kind of how it felt.  Like a terrible bad dream and you just wanted to wake up and find out it isn't real.  The doctor basically said, "What are you going to do?"  At that point we were kind of in shock but neither JoLynne or I are ones to give up easily and we told him so.  He said "There is no reason for you to suffer, we have lots of medicines that can stop your pain"  I have had a lot of pain lately.  He was concerned that there may be an infection on top of the cancer so he started me on IV antibiotics that same day.

So, here we sit.  I have an appointment with Dr. Wallentine on Tuesday.  Mayo has ideas about chemo agents that have worked on others in the past who didn't respond to first line drugs.  There are some clinical trials we are looking at.  There have been a lot of tears.  Tuesday night I ordained Spencer and Elder, preparatory to his serving a mission.  Right after that he helped his brothers give me a beautiful blessing.  Wow, I didn't know I could cry that much.  Then he helped while I gave JoLynne a blessing. How grateful we are for the priesthood.

We don't know what the future holds.  But there are things that we know without any doubt.  We know that God loves us and is aware of our situation and is standing by our side through the hardest parts.  There is nothing in this world that we are more sure of than that.  JoLynne and I know that we have made covenants in the temple of God.  Those covenants promise us that we will be together for eternity if we are faithful.  We know that Christ conquered death and because of Him we will live again as well.

So right now we are just begging God for more time.  We have laid before Him our best arguments and poured out our hearts to Him.  We know that if it His will, a miracle will happen and my life will be spared.  We love Him and we trust Him.  We know that many of you have offered up prayers in our behalf as well.  We are so grateful for your love and faith.  Yesterday, while I was waiting for an MRI a stake member, who has his own challenges, saw me.  He hobbled over to me with his cane, put his hand on my knee and said, "President Vogel, I love you, My family loves you, we pray for you every night" He then picked up his cane and made his way back to his chair.  Even though I have serious challenges, I am very blessed.

JoLynne keeps telling me "We just need the faith of a grain of mustard seed.  If it can move mountains, it can certainly cure this cancer.  So, I have never seen a mustard seed but maybe I should study them closer.  Thank you for all that each of you have done and continue to do for me and my family.  We love you.

Four down, one to go!

Pretty photogenic right?

I just completed my fourth treatment.  Mostly I feel pretty good.  My jaw feels stiff and bruised, my taste buds are gone again and some sores are starting but really not too bad.  Way better than I have felt with previous treatments!  I walked four blocks home from my appointment today.  They say the effects will be worse next week but frankly, so far, this is nothing compared to what I have been through.

This is a High tech machine!

We went to a local ward for church yesterday.  People were so nice.  Everyone introducing themselves and asking about us.  I met a former student of mine who is now studying here.  Someone invited us to a fourth of July party and then said, "If you have to come back again, you are welcome to stay with our family in our basement.  We have room and you could save some money."  I had barely met these people not 5 minutes before.  Isn't the gospel an amazing phenomenon?  I wish all people were so kind to one another.  The world would be an amazing place.

Yesterday after church we drove to Wisconsin to look at the Mississippi.  There is a park bench down there that we happened upon about 18 months ago that we believe had a message from God to us.   We have looked but  have never been able to find again.  (See blog from 10/9/2011)  Anyway, this time we managed to find it.  The writing on the bench was faded but still legible.   It says;

"It's okay to have bad day's, hold on, be strong"

Still good advice 18 months later.

This blog started out as a way to keep people who were worried up to date about my treatments.  I hope that it has served that purpose well.  Like many things it has grown into something somewhat unexpected.  Unless you leave a comment I don't really know who is looking at this blog.  I can, however, see maps of where it is being looked at.  It is something that I don't fully comprehend.  Most of the views are from the United States, that isn't surprising.  What does surprise me  is the number of people who are following from countries all over the world.  From what I see I am approaching nearly 70,000 views.  Many of those viewing are from Russia, Canada,  Latvia, China, Germany, Spain, Denmark etc...  I have traveled to many of your countries providing humanitarian service as a dentist.  Perhaps some of you are following for that reason.  Perhaps some of you are people I have never met.  For whatever reason, I am happy to have you follow along.  I hope that my experiences have in some way helped you to meet your own challenges in life.  The prevailing message that I hope my blog conveys is to live with hope.  For me that hope largely comes from my faith in God and from the faith and love of others who surround me.

The shag carpet car.  

Some day it will be my time to leave this life.  I don't know when that time will be.  I plan to enjoy every day that I am allowed here and to make a difference for good in the world.  When my time comes to leave this life I will leave it with hope as well for a world even better than this one and an assurance that my separation from those I love is only temporary.  I have no doubt in my mind that such will be the case!  I don't know the challenges you each face but I hope and pray that you can find courage and peace as you face those challenges.  Look in your heart, I think you will find that you don't have to face them alone.

Okay, here is the random thing we saw on Saturday.  We made a wrong turn and came upon the most lovely car I have seen in a while.  I'm not sure why someone would do this but it is unique.  The car is completely covered in shag carpet and then has a few bones glued on to make it extra special.  The question is:  Would you wash your car or vacuum it?

Full circle

Today is Thursday, I am out of the hospital and my second surgery is done.  Thank heavens!  As promised, the gravity of this surgery was much less than the first and I am grateful for that.  They went up through my nose and cut a hole through my sinus and retrieved as much of the tumor as they were able.  They then made an incision under my upper lip and accessed the sinus from there and removed the rest.  I am a little swollen and with all those holes in my sinuses things aren't draining quite right yet.  In the process of getting out the tumor they destroyed my maxillary nerve so I am really numb on the upper right including my palate.  Like dental anesthesia times 10.  I kind of doubt that will come back.  To be honest, I know it needs to be done, but I'm getting kind of tired of being "whittled" on.  Each time there is a little less of me after.  I guess I will have better empathy for my patients when they are numb now.

It was quite strange, while preparing for surgery they took me to the exact same bay as last year to await my turn.  After the surgery I was assigned to the same hospital room as last year for recovery.  Wow, that brought back memories.  It seems I have come full circle.  As always, the nurses and everyone else was great.  They are so professional and careful at Mayo.

Bad Boy tattoo 

I'm feeling pretty rebellious these days.  My bald head makes me look like a "bad guy" and after the surgeon signed my neck it looked like I had some low budget tattoo.  Then they told me that they used cocaine to numb my nose during surgery.  Really it is a slippery slope.

Today I am hoping to hear back about the pathology of the tumor they removed.  We are also meeting with radiation oncology this morning.  The nature of the remaining tumor may influence how they go about the radiation.  I don't think that I mentioned but we have decided to have our radiation done in Utah.  We have a doctor there who is willing to work with the radiation oncologist here to design a treatment plan.  It was a matter of deep thought but being in Utah will allow me to be close to my family, to continue to work and teach and of course the cost will be radically less if we do it in Utah.  After praying about it and going to the temple we feel okay about that decision.  Dr. Foote here is wiling to oversee the procedure remotely and that made us feel better.  We meet with him today.

Last night "all the shingles blew off"

This time my chemotherapy has been MUCH better than last time.  Wow, what a difference.  I have still been super tired and dizzy and all that but I don't feel like I was run over by a truck.  However, my hair hasn't liked it too much.  Actually it caused my hair to fall out sooner and more completely than last time.  For the last couple of days it has been falling out like crazy.  Every time I touch it sections were falling off.  By last night I couldn't stand it any more.  I sat down at the table and just pulled it all out by hand.  It was so loose it didn't hurt at all.  I guess it didn't look too good.  It made JoLynne cry and I was sorry for that.  So....back to bald.

You know, it has been a hard time in our family.  Between my cancer coming back and JoLynne's broken legs,  It hasn't been easy.  On top of all that, we were notified by the credit card company that our identity had been stolen while we were waiting for JoLynne's leg operation.  Finally, the night we got home from the hospital little Elizabeth came into the room in tears.  Her pet bird, Peeps, had died.  Peeps has been part of our family for 15 years!  I will be honest, at the time I thought, "You have got to be kidding!"  But time has passed, the bird had a very nice funeral, the credit card company is helping us fix the damage, JoLynne's legs are healing and I am doing quite well for a bald guy.  I have often thought back to the time when my son Seth and I were running a marathon together.  Seth was recently home from his mission and in pretty good shape but probably not marathon shape.  He really didn't train well enough.  In spite of that he finished in good time.  At the finish line he was really sick and not looking well at all.  After a few minutes, when he could talk he said. "Dad, I know what Hell feels like now."  Then the profound statement, "When your'e going through Hell, you just need to keep on running."  I have thought of that statement often.   Quitting isn't an option and brighter days are ALWAYS ahead.

And, speaking of brighter days, we now have what may be the most beautiful granddaughter ever born.  Words don't express how happy her arrival has made us.

We have wonderful neighbors.  One neighbor brought over a "Jazzy" scooter and our other neighbor allowed me to use his Segway.  JoLynne and I are riding again!  It's almost worth breaking your legs and having cancer when you get to travel like this...

Finally, the other evening there was a beautiful double rainbow.  It was so bright it almost looked unreal.  This was shortly after JoLynne had come home from the hospital so it was very difficult to get around, but with several of us helping, we managed to get her outside in a wheelchair where we could watch the rainbow slowly fade from the sky.  It was spectacular.  Afterwards I found myself thinking about the first rainbow and the trials Noah and his family had been through.  Wow, it makes my problems seem really small.  How sweet and tender for God to give him and his family the gift of a rainbow.  In their case it was a promise that God would never send another flood.  In our case it felt like God saying, "I am aware of you.  Look to me and your problems will fall behind you"

biopsy pending

Family at "Mecca" (Tillamook Cheese)

"Mohanna"

We are just home from our trip to the North West.  It was a wonderful trip.  So nice to have all of our children but one together and Grandpa as a bonus.  It was beautiful, sunny, cool and relaxing.  We also got to see Eileen and her husband Kelly.  Their home is lovely and Eileen seems so happy.  I still miss having her as an assistant in my office but seeing her so happy more than makes up for it.

Part way through the trip I was finally able to got my doctors from Mayo to talk to my doctor in Provo and agree on a biopsy.  It looks like it will be performed on this coming Thursday morning and I will get the results back on Tuesday afternoon.   A lot hinges on the results of that biopsy!

It's good to be busy so that I don't have too much time to think about things.  On Sunday the other counselor in the Stake Presidency was kindly asking me how I was doing and I said the first thing that popped in my mind, "I can't let tomorrows storm ruin todays sunshine"  I felt like those words were inspired and wiser than I am.  Everything will be okay, I am certain of that.  In the meantime I am very grateful for prayers offered in my behalf.

Behind every storm cloud the sun is waiting to shine forth

No New Cancer!

It has been some time since my last posting.  If this caused any of you concern, I apologize.

This last week was an important one for me.  For one thing, on April 17th it was six months since my surgery.  As a follow up with my cancer the doctors are calling for CT scans and MRI's every three months for the next two years to make sure that the cancer isn't coming back.  So, on Monday I went in and spent about 2 hours lying in machines as they captured images of my head, neck and chest.

Claustrophobic anyone?

MRI's are interesting.  They put you in hospital gowns and give you ear plugs because the machine is quite loud.  They hook up an IV so that they can inject dye at certain times, then they lay you on a sliding table.   They place a cage over your head so that you can't move your head in any direction, then they slide the table into a tube that is only barely bigger than your body.  I don't know how they would do this with somebody who was overweight since I barely fit.  The technician informs you not to move at all and then this loud contraption begins.  It sounds like you are in a metal tube and somebody is beating on it with a hammer.  For a scan of my head neck and chest it took 80 minutes.  I'm not claustrophobic at all, thank heavens.  The lady ahead of me had to be sedated so that she could be inserted into the machine.

Anyway, my appointment with the doctor to get the results was on Thursday.  I tried not to be nervous.  After all, I know that God is aware of me and that he has been taking care of me all along the way.  What I don't know is whether this trial is over yet or not.  I find myself asking if I have learned all that I was supposed to learn or if God still has more trials for me to overcome.  The thought of having to go through surgery or chemotherapy again is very frightening!  So, my feelings bounce all over the place.  I know that God loves me and yet still I am scared.

Well, Thursday came.  The nurses at the chemotherapy clinic were wonderful as always.  Many of them came in just to hug me and ask how I had been.  A few commented on how different I look with hair.  It's strange to think of a whole group of people who know me better as bald.   Several of them told me how they talk about me often and pray for me.

Finally it was time to talk to the doctor.  I like our doctor, he doesn't beat around the bush.  After a brief physical he sat down at the computer and told me, "Eric, your scans look completely clear.  We can't find any evidence of your cancer returning." I have to admit,  I broke down and cried.  JoLynne is so loving and supportive.  She just squeezed  my hand to let me know how happy she was.  The doctor just grinned.

On the way out several nurses again came out to hear what the doctor had said.  They are so genuine in their concern.  I don't know that I have ever met more compassionate people.  I told them the good news and started to cry again.  (That seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life these days.)  There was an older gentleman across the room who was waiting for his wife who was having chemotherapy as well.  He started to cry too.  What is it about cancer that draws us all together so tightly?  I guess it is the common enemy that we are all fighting.

I was so happy when I got home.  I just felt like climbing on my roof and yelling out the good news.  I did the next best thing and sent a bunch of texts.  I told my kids we were going to have a "No New Cancer" party.  So we went out to eat and just be together.

I still don't know for sure what the future holds.  Mostly I just feel grateful to be healthy and to feel my strength coming back.  I try to remind myself of the miracles that have occurred and to continue to feel that deep sense of gratitude to my Heavenly Father.  I don't want that feeling to fade.  We were at the temple the other night.  There was some quiet time as we waited.  One of the after effects of chemotherapy for me is a constant high pitched noise in my ears.  It is more noticeable when it is quiet.  I also have quite of bit of hearing loss.  Anyway, I was thinking about how my ears don't work quite as well as they used to and the thought came, "What you have lost in physical hearing you have gained in your spiritual hearing"  I believe that is true.  I feel like I am better able to hear the promptings of the spirit than ever before in my life.  This was probably a good trade.

Happy Anniversary

Yesterday was an anniversary of sorts, 5 months since my surgery.  I don't know why it seemed to strike me yesterday but I kept thinking about what I was doing 5 months ago.  It has been a scenic ride these last five months, hopefully a journey I won't need to make again any time soon.

She's makes a way cute grandma

Well, let me start with the big news that I wasn't allowed to tell last week.  JoLynne and I are going to be grandparents!  March 2nd was JoLynne's birthday and it was also supposed to be my last day of chemotherapy (before I flunked out).  Anyway, Shanelle and Mike brought by a surprise present.  When JoLynne opened it there was a note that said "So you can look the part" and when you lifted the paper there was a gray grandma wig and a note saying "Not to be used before September 20th".  We are thrilled for Shanelle and Mike and so grateful for the wonderful changes that this will bring into their lives.  Children are a ton of work but they are so worth it.  We are thrilled!

For those following this blog, you may remember that prior to my surgery a dear friend gave me a priesthood blessing where he promised, among other things, that I would live to see grandchildren and great grandchildren.  This seems to be a fulfillment of at least the first part of that blessing.  We were having a hard time imagining how we would get to part B without doing part A.  Shanelle and Mike have solved that.

So I have downloaded an app on my phone called "My pregnancy" and I check every day to see what our grand baby is doing today.  For those who may care, he/she developed fingerprints this week.  I think Shanelle thinks I am a bit over the top but I don't care.  I have a recording of the baby's heartbeat but I'm just not "high tech" enough to figure out how to attach an audio clip.  In case you're wondering it sounds like this:  "whoosh, whoosh, whoosh......"  It's pretty awesome.

A good day for a run

I went for a run yesterday.  It was the first time since my surgery that I didn't feel like every step was a chore.  I still didn't run very fast but I also didn't suffer as much.  I went 9.22 miles so my strength is coming back slowly.  I picked up Jarom along the run and he ran the last 4.5 miles with me.  I appreciated the company.  He's a great young man.


It turns out that yesterday was also the Rex Lee run.  This is an annual race held at BYU to raise money for cancer research, in honor of the late Rex Lee who died of cancer and was an avid runner.  As we were running along the south side of campus they were just getting ready to begin the race and I happened across a friend of mine, Neal Anderson, who was running the race.  He is in my stake and was the same one who helped me to finish my very first marathon many years ago.  He stopped to show me his race bib.  There on the front was written, "In honor of Eric Vogel".... I am blessed with such good friends.  Just when I think I am getting over crying about everything something like this comes around...  My tear glands are still working.

I am blessed with good friends

Well, life is beautiful.  Every day is a gift.  I love watching the sunrise in the morning or even the snow fall in March when I want to work in my garden.  I love going to work and taking care of patients who are dear friends.  I love hearing my children giggle.  I love snuggling up to my wife at the end of every day.  This world is a beautiful place and fills me with awe and wonder.  I am grateful for the faith of friends and the miracles that have happened as a result of that faith allowing me to continue to enjoy this life.  I am grateful to my Heavenly Father who grants me every breath.

I used shampoo!

Not every shampoo "restores your spirit"
You pay more, but it's worth it.

I am slowly but surely recovering from surgery and the effects of chemotherapy.  The Stake President now calls me "Curly", JoLynne refers to me as "Fuzz head".  JoLynne's description is more accurate.  As I was taking a shower yesterday I noticed a new shampoo that JoLynne had put in the shower.  The label read "Nourishing Oasis, Restore your Hair and Spirit, Energize and Volumize"  Plus it was made in Canada!  I thought to myself "This stuff has to be good!"  I was tempted to use it all over my whole body.  Anyway, I practiced some restraint, and kept to just using it on "the fuzz".  I don't know about all the other claims, but it did make my scalp shiny.

Kind of how I feel

My strength continues to return as well.  Yesterday I ran 7.5 miles.  I am not as fast as I used to be but I am running none the less.  I still have a hard time keeping up with the oxygen demands of my body.  I just need more red blood cells I guess.  I should probably eat liver or something but I think I would rather be out of breath.  I returned the other day from a 5 mile run and was expressing my frustrations to JoLynne that I couldn't run faster.  I told her "It used to be so easy, now I have to work for it"  She just shook her head and said, "It's about time that you understand how the rest of us feel all the time"

The real miracle is that there is snow

The wound care team released me from their care.  The wound on my leg is essentially closed over.  I mentioned to them that I had been skiing.  The doctor shook his head and said that he didn't remember giving me permission to do that.  I reminded him that he had given me permission to run and, Hey, skiing is kind of like running with two boards hooked to your feet.  They didn't see it the way that I did but they didn't scold me any more either.   They told me that I had earned "The Magic Wand".  I thought that they were kidding but they weren't.  After my last appointment they walked me out front and waved a singing wand up and down my body and recited some ditty about how they had worked their magic upon me.  It seemed like magic to me.  I don't think the wand was the key to success but it was funny anyway.

Oh, and I have some really big news....but I can't share it yet.  Maybe next week.

This last week two significant people in my life passed away.  One was the man who performed the sealing and wedding  for JoLynne and me, David Yarn.  I think he performed the weddings and sealings for 9 out of 13 siblings in my family.  He lived to a ripe old age and had a life full of service.  The second one was a young pediatrician here in town.  He had some minor health problems which somehow got out of control.  He ended up having a stroke and dying at age 38.  He had barely begun his medical practice and left behind a wife and four young children.  That is only a little older than my father was at the time of his death.  I guess the reason I mention it is because it re-emphasizes to me the fragile nature of life.  Every day I wake up so grateful to be alive still.  Life is a beautiful, delicate gift.  It is so easy to take for granted but really, who knows how long any of us have upon this earth.  We may have a long life or we may be called home early.  We just don't know.  I try to live each day to it's fullest.  I hope I can help someone in need or do something of value each day that I am alive.  I hope I never go to bed without telling my wife and children how much I love them.  Tomorrow never comes, we only have today.

PS:  Yesterday I winked for the first time in four months with my right eye.  JoLynne will have no relief from the flirting now!

Don't get into a war when you have no armies

I'm sorry that my posts are so widely spaced.  A friend told me the other day that I needed to post more often so people wouldn't worry.  I will try to do better.

This round of chemotherapy has been challenging.  It started out pretty normal but then when I expected to start rebounding and regaining my strength...I didn't.  I managed to catch a cold, that didn't help.  I have never enjoyed having a cold but catching one when you have a white cell count of "zero" is a whole new experience.  Wow!  I am now very impressed with the importance of the immune system.  After a few days and a fever and some chiding from my sister in law, I decided to call the doctor.  They took a blood sample and after checking my fever they started wagging fingers at me as well.  They wanted to know why I hadn't called earlier and I gave them a very logical answer "I didn't want to bother  you"  The nurse didn't like that answer at all and told me "It's guys like you that end up septic"  Hmmm, I need to come up with a better answer for that question in the future.  Maybe something like "I was being held captive by Taliban terrorists" would work better.

So, the nurse practitioner took a look and told me that my blood work was lousy.  Basically no white blood cells and way too few red blood cells as well.  I had been fainting the last few days and she said that was because my blood didn't have enough cells to get air to my brain.  She was confused about why the drugs they were giving me had failed to bring up my blood counts like they were supposed to.  You would think that since that shot costs $4000 each it would work a little better.  I need to check and see if they offer a guarantee or something.  She then sent me down for a chest x-ray to check for pneumonia and then told me that my lungs were clear but that I had two broken ribs.  By this time I was wondering if they were really mixing up my tests with someone else.  I told her, "I really don't feel that bad and my ribs certainly don't hurt."  She showed me the pictures and told me, "Well you should feel lousy and your ribs should hurt, maybe your'e just used to feeling lousy and now you think it is normal".  I'm not sure if that was supposed to make me feel better or not.  Well, they shot me full of antibiotics and gave a shot of something called "Epogen".  It's supposed to make your body make more red blood cells and will now disqualify me for the Tour de France for at least a year.  Darn it!  The next day they sent me to the hospital for two bags of "packed red blood cells".  It looked a lot like ketchup to me but I'm taking their word on it.

Where did I put my fibula?

I began to feel a little bit better and then on Saturday I got an infection in the skin graft of my leg where they harvested the fibula bone.  We sent a picture to my surgeon at Mayo and he didn't like what he saw so back to the hospital we went.  They didn't like it either and decided to keep me in the hospital for a day or two on IV antibiotics until it was resolved.  An x-ray of my leg showed that the infection hadn't gotten to the cut bone ends yet, thank Heavens.  They wanted another x-ray of my lungs.  They came in and told me again about my broken ribs, "I know, I know" was all I could say and "no, they don't hurt".  By Sunday they were talking about still keeping me longer and I told them that I was due to perform an important surgery the next morning and it had already been rescheduled twice.  They finally agreed to let me go if I would stay on IV antibiotics and have a nurse teach JoLynne how to hang the drugs.  That worked for me, we finally got discharged at about midnight.

Bald is beautiful....or something

On Wednesday I was supposed to start another round of chemotherapy.  The doctor took more blood and said that everything was still really low.  By the way, I figured out part of why my blood levels are so low.  Every time I turn around somebody wants two or three more test tubes full to look at.  I think the problem is that I am running out because they keep draining me.  Anyway, he was unwilling to start chemo again until the blood work looked better so I got put off a week.  I was disappointed because that means it will take me longer to be done but it didn't seem to be a matter for discussion.  He did say that my chemo dosage was probably too high and that was the reason that I was not rebounding on schedule.

Well, every day since then I am slowly feeling better.  My strength is returning, I have quit fainting, my appetite is improving, my cold is slowly getting better.  On Friday we went to wound care clinic and the doctor looked at my leg and had some good ideas about how to help it heal.  He picked up some cutting tool and said, "this is where I get even with dentists".  Yikes!  Little did he know, my leg is numb in the surgery site so it didn't hurt at all.  I guess he will have to get even on somebody else.  It was kind of gross to watch while he sliced away all the surface of my wound.  Even though it was disgusting I couldn't quit watching.  Morbid fascination I guess.


Today was Sunday and I felt great.  I was able to help with a ward conference and attend all my meetings.  I even did temple recommends this evening.  I think I had four servings of dinner.  I have two days to try and gain seven pounds.  Bring it on!  JoLynne won't let me eat anything that has less than 700 calories.  It's really weird shopping with her.  It's like I have been transported to a nutritional alternate universe.  I'm just grateful to feel well.  Hopefully this Wednesday I will feel well enough to get get chemo and get sick again.

Thankful

Just a little bump, probably the onion rings

So, it has been a busy week.  I have felt great and as a result I have been able to work more.  In addition we have had a series of social events.  Friday we had an open hours for the office to let everyone see our remodel and wish them a merry Christmas.  Last night was the Stake Christmas open house and today is our family Christmas party.  It just seems like I have been "running".  It is so nice to feel better and able to do more.  At our office open house I was not very good and shook hands with lots of people.  That got me in trouble with my guardian angel (JoLynne).  My friend, Rella Christensen, a pHd microbiologist who has been looking out for me is going to give me a scolding too.  So last night JoLynne and I made a bet that I couldn't go the whole night without shaking someones hand.  We usually bet a kiss or something so I always win either way but there is the moral victory of course.  Anyway, I won the bet last night and went the whole night without shaking a single persons hand.  The real prize was having JoLynne be happy and not worried.  When we got home from the party neither of us had eaten much.  I just can't figure out how to get food in my mouth with a mask on.  So, it was 9:30 pm and we hadn't really had dinner.  JoLynne said, "so, what do you want to eat?"  I was kind of embarrassed but I told her I was really in the mood for onion rings.  She just started laughing, "You are so pregnant!" she said.  For years I always offered to have the next baby.  I always thought it was a safe offer.  Little did I know.  I'm not showing yet by the way. (okay, maybe a little)

I have always appreciated having good health.  As a matter of fact I always made a point of telling Heavenly Father how much I appreciated my health in hopes that He wouldn't feel the need to take it from me.  Well, that trick doesn't work.  This week, feeling better, has truly made me appreciate how good it feels to feel good.  I'm not looking forward to the next round of chemo starting Wednesday, but it helps to know that after a few dark days that I will have days when I feel well.

We are leaving for Mayo Clinic on Monday.  We have appointments all day Tuesday and then we will be flying home Tuesday night.  I am excited.  One of my appointments is with physical therapy.  They have some electrical methods of accelerating nerve recovery.  They call it "facial animation."  Usually that is what happens to my face when JoLynne walks in the room.

I love visiting with cancer survivors.  Some dear friends came to the open house.  I remember feeling my heart go out to my friend while his wife suffered through cancer.  On Friday I looked at her with her beautiful hair and a smile that spoke volumes about her courage.  I have to admit I ran my fingers through her hair just for the joy of seeing her so normal.  It makes me think, "I am going to get there."

I have been so grateful for countless acts of kindness.  I could never name all the people who have reached out to us with helping hands. This last week, a friend came by while I was taking care of patients.  We have been friends for many years.  He somehow knows my situation better than some.  Anyway, he was so kind and caring.  He offered some help that was deeply meaningful to me.  I couldn't stop crying after he left.  I think I cried for two hours.  He isn't alone of course.  Every time I turn around someone is lifting and helping.  I've notice that since my diagnosis I never have anything in my inbox at the stake center.  Last night I confronted the other counselor and said "Why is there never anything in my inbox anymore?"  He just smiled and said, "Eric, we are going to get through this thing together"  People are so good and I am so grateful.

"Viewer Discretion Advised"

Tomorrow begins the second leg of this journey.  At 9:00 I am starting my first dose of chemotherapy.  The treatment tomorrow is supposed to last about 5 or 6 hours.  Wednesday and Thursday will be an hour or two each. I am a little bit scared and at the same time I'm kind of relieved to begin so that I can finally be done and move on in my life.

Let me back up a bit.  Up until last Thursday we were in quite the quandary trying to decide about whether or not we should take Methotrexate.  Thursday night JoLynne and I went to the temple with Shanelle and Mike.  Mike had a cough.  I was exhausted. Shanelle and JoLynne were feeling okay.  Each of us received a clear answer in our own way.  I wasn't feeling well and I told Heavenly Father that I didn't feel well and I wasn't up to figuring out a "subtle answer".  I was blessed with a very clear, undeniable answer that we should not do the Methotrexate.  I trust that God knows whether or not that drug would be of value to me.  He clearly told me that it was unnecessary.  I am so grateful to be able to go to the temple and to receive answers.

I was able to work every morning this week.  It is great to be back with patients.  I come home tired and sleep for an hour or two.  I guess my body still needs it.  I don't really understand what my body is doing these days.  JoLynne is doing her best to help me gain weight.  My caloric intake is quite impressive and yet I don't gain an ounce.  Saturday I ate nearly 5000 calories and still lost a pound.  I was telling my Stake President about it on Sunday morning and he looked at me and said, "Rookie, I can get that many calories in one dessert."  Wow, I need to find out what dessert that is and add it to my diet.  The only thing I can figure is that there is so much repair going on from all of the surgery that it is burning up everything the I eat. Or, maybe I accidentally swallowed a black hole and everything I eat is being transported somewhere across the galaxy.  (I know, too many Star Trek episodes)

Sunday was a busy day.  I got up at 6:30 to go to meetings.  We met until about 9:30 then we had two elders quorums presidencies to set apart at 11:00 then church at 1:00 and another Elders quorum presidency at 2:30 then temple recommends at 4:00and more calling to extend at 5:00.  I arrived home just after 6:00.  I had hoped to go to a viewing of a friend but there just wasn't time.  We had a High Priest quorum meeting at 7:00 and finally home at 9:00.  I should have been absolutely exhausted.  Usually just working a morning tires me out.  I was tired but not beyond reason.  I really felt like the Lord blessed me with more strength than I would have normally had to do his work.

This morning I had a surgical port placed in my chest to administer the chemotherapy through.   A port is like a junction box placed just under the skin and then a tube runs from the box to one of the big veins near your heart.  It gives the doctors and nurses a good way to draw blood, give chemo etc without trying to find a vein.   I was a little nervous but everything went without any problems.   I know it was nothing like the last surgery but suddenly the thought of someone cutting on me just kind of freaks me out.  I am grateful that everything went well.  I was trying to convince my children that with a port in place I would now be able to upload information directly to my brain using a USB drive.  I don't think that they believed me but you have to admit, it would be way cool.

This evening I had a blessing from my father and a dear life long friend.  Just when I think I have my tear glands under control I find out that they have a mind of their own.  I find that these days I cry most easily when I feel the Lord's love for me or when someone I love does something that shows me how much they care.  Mostly happy tears.  The friend who helped to bless me is the father of my best friend growing up.  He is a good man and a dear friend.

This evening another friend from the Food and Care coalition came by with a picture that was drawn by one of the cooks at the Food and Care.  It was taken from a photo taken in Russia when I worked on a sweet little, terrified girl.  It broke my heart to have to hold her down to treat her but her mother assured me that if we didn't do the work then nobody would and her toothache could result in dire consequences.    She screamed and cried throughout the treatment.  I thought she would hate me forever.  Instead, after finishing the work, this little girl reached up and put her arms around me and hugged me.    That is when they took the picture.  A very tender moment for me and a sweet memory.  Okay, there goes more tears.  Oh well.







Someone told me that they wanted to know what was going on with my leg.  Well, it is healing slowly.  As you probably know they took the whole middle part of my fibula from my right leg to make a new jaw.  In addition they also took the muscle and the skin to use as filler in the jaw reconstruction.  I read today in a copy of the charting that was sent to me that my right leg had a tourniquet on for over 40 minutes.  No wonder that leg is kind of tender.  I'm glad it didn't fall off.  Needless to say the hole where they stole the bone and tissue was sizable.  They couldn't leave that open so they took a piece off my right thigh and transported it to my calf to close the hole.  My thigh is just healing up slowly on it's own.  It is a really cool, very rectangular scab.  The grafted tissue on the lower leg is also healing well.  The leg bone is now missing six inches out of the middle of the bone which will always be gone.  I have to treat it like a broken bone, wearing a cast and limiting pressure on the limb.  Today was the first day I could replace my crutches with a cane.  (made by my dear neighbor).  Two more weeks and I should be able to take off the cast.  The bone won't grow back together but I guess with time the muscle will bind and splint the two broken ends so that they don't move.  It hurts a bit but not unbearable.  I am going to have some pretty impressive scars when this is all done.  JoLynne won't like it, but here is a picture of my calf.  It really is looking a lot better.  All of the pink area is where the blood supply has re-established.  It is so miraculous what modern medicine can do.

Farewell to nose hairs

So on Monday we met with the chemotherapy doctors.  So, let me start with the good news.  For years JoLynne and I have had a standing joke.  When events like Christmas and Birthdays come around JoLynne always asks "What do you want for _____?" To which I always respond "A nose hair clipper"  The sad thing is that as the years have gone by that request has actually become a lot more legitimate.  It's like I am swabbing my nose with Rogain or something the way those crazy nose hairs grow.   If I left them alone I could almost do a comb over.  So, here is the good news.  The chemo docs informed  us that 12 days after the beginning of chemo I will lose my hair including my eyebrows, lashes, beard and NOSE HAIRS.  It looks like I am finally going to have to come up with a different answer to that question and JoLynne will have a six month reprieve from telling me when I have a stray hair hanging out of my nose.  They say that when my hair comes back it sometimes comes back curly.  That would just be weird in my nose.  Last night we had a Stake meeting with the High Council.  The other counselor in the Stake Presidency was trying to sell my hair to the highest bidder.  With half the men in that room missing hair on top you would have thought that the bidding would have been more lively.

The chemo doctor on Monday was very nice.  He took a ton of time with us.  Reading and talking about different options.  Two drugs are for sure.  One is Cisplatin and the second is Adriamycin.  The plan right now is to have me get a port surgically placed in my chest on Monday and then Tuesday I will be given Cisplatin and Adriamycin.  Cisplatin  is pretty caustic and has to be given slowly so that day will last 5-6 hours.  On Wednesday it will be just Adriamycin for 1-2 hours and Thursday the same.  Then I all have 18 days off and then repeat.  They plan on 6 courses of chemotherapy.  If there are no holdups then I will be done in 18 weeks.  There are often holdups.  Already today I seem to be developing a sore throat.  It is hard to be around so many people and not catch anything.  We will see what that does to next weeks plans.  There is a third drug that the doctors at Mayo would like to have me try called Methotrexate.  The doctor here really discouraged it.  He said that I am out of the age range (usually they don't give it over 35 years of age) and he said it has some scary possible side effects like kidney and heart failure.  Plus, he said that if I take it I will be on chemo every week for 6 months and I will feel like garbage the whole time and basically live at the chemo facility.  We talked to the Mayo doctors again and they tell us that they still think it would be okay to use the Methotrexate, however, it's also okay with them if we delete it.  The participants that talked about my case at the national sarcoma conference were split 50/50 on whether or not to use Methotrexate.  We are going to go to the temple tomorrow and try to get an answer.  God knows what we should do.  He has been pretty good about answering us so far.

I have been back to work the last two days.  It has been very nice.  I have only been working mornings and then I come home and have a long nap.  Who was that guy who used to run 26 miles?  Now I feel proud to walk around the block without stopping.  Last night I was huffing and puffing when JoLynne came in the bedroom.  She asked what I had been doing.  I was embarrassed that all I had done was change my clothes.  Oh well, it seemed like a workout.

I love to talk to cancer survivors.  This evening at a stake YW event I talked to a good friend who is five years cancer free.  Today at work one of my patients told me that 10 years ago she was diagnosed with a soft tissue sarcoma with a really long name.  She recounted to me the miracles that had led to her survival.  What an inspiration.  She looked great and seems so put together.  I want to be a "survivor".  I want to inspire others to have the faith that they can make it too.  I guess there is no way to hurry that up.  Just wait, believe and trust that God will do the rest.  One of my dear friends brought by a rock with a saying that really touched me.  A year ago when my brother in law had a heart attack and 7 bypass surgery we went down to visit him.  He told me at the time something very similar.  He said "I have learned something from the parable of the man who built his house on the sand and on the rock....They both got rained on."

This morning I had a strange dream.  I was in a big room filled with people who were sick with various ailments.  The Savior entered the room and was healing some of the people.  He was coming my way.  Finally, He stood before me and I was so excited to be healed and done with all of this.  I felt like I had the faith.  He looked down at me and said, "I can't heal you yet."  I asked him why and he looked at me and said, "You have so much to learn from this, it would be so unkind for me to take it away from you."  Okay, here is where I reveal my true character, I woke up kind of mad, thinking, "haven't I learned enough yet?" Later I wasn't so mad.  It was just a dream but I need to be more humble.

Okay, I know that I already posted a picture of my new jaw but I took another picture at my office when I got home.  Pretty much I just want to show off the fact that I have a better panorex machine than they have at Mayo Clinic.  There you go, that darn pride again.  Anyway, here is the new panorex.  Notice all of the staples in my neck below the bike chain.  The staples were used to shut off "bleeders" during surgery.  I hope that those arteries didn't supply blood to anything important.  Probably just to my brain or something.

(double click the picture to make it bigger)